Split Screen Sadness
by Princess Oats 435
Summary: He cried because of what he had done. He cried because of the look on her face when he told her. He cried because she had cried.But mostly he cried because he had lost her. Sandy and Kirsten go through some hard times, please read and review.
1. I don't know where you went

All right, I'm supposed to be writing a paper for US History on Frederick Douglass, and unfortunately for me (but I suppose fortunately for you) I got sidetracked. So here is the result of my procrastination, please read and review and let me know what you thought of it. The title and the lyrics come from the song by John Mayer (I heart him). So read and review please!

Disclaimer: Well, I don't own the characters, and I don't own the song, and I don't really own anything right now except some receipts….

* * *

_I don't know where you went when you left me_

_But it says in here in the water_

_You must be gone by now_

_I can tell somehow _

* * *

Sandy hated to see her cry. Every bone in his body ached to walk over to her, hold her, and make things better for her. Apologize for being such an utter and complete ass. Kirsten looked up from where she sat perched on the edge of their bed, her eyes showing the tell-tale signs of crying. Red, swollen, and shining. 

The look on her face broke his heart.

"What now?" Kirsten whispered. He didn't walk over to her. He couldn't. Somehow his legs and his mind were on two very different pages, and while his head whispered to go to her, his legs disobeyed and stayed put. He didn't answer her right away, instead shrugging, and turning to look out the window.

How beautiful the view was. The ocean sparkled and the sun was beginning to set, and he thought about how for so long he had thought that he had found paradise. The perfect place, and the perfect house, and the perfect family. But they were not perfect. The cracks had always been there, but they had been getting deeper and more noticeable, and they couldn't pretend anymore.

They had been held together by a string, and he had known that soon it would snap, and they would be broken. And he had tried so hard, they had both tried so hard, to try to piece their fragmented family back together. Tried to apply a little more glue that would never stay. Every time he thought that he had done it, that they were okay again, that they were whole once more, something would come along and he would drop it. Lose it. And they would go back to being broken.

And it was his fault this time. There would be no one to blame for the destruction of their family but him.

"I don't know," Sandy said just as softly. No one else was home but them. Their sons were gone for the night, thankfully. They had missed the screaming match, they had missed Kirsten throwing vases and picture frames and anything else breakable and blunt that she could throw at Sandy's head. They had missed their father begin to scream back at her.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! What else do you want me to say to you? What else can I do? I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done it. I'm a terrible person, but it's done, I did it, and I'm so sorry, but you need to tell me what you want from me now." When she had angrily replied,

"Don't you think you've done enough?" He had gotten so frustrated with her that he had gone to the bedroom door and slammed it shut over and over again. He was just so very frustrated and he needed to take it out on something. He would never take it out on her, no matter how angry and frustrated she got him.

He could never hit her. He could never hurt her.

But he had broken the door. On the fifth time that he had slammed it, it had splintered and she had gasped and her hand had traveled up to her mouth, and she had stopped screaming and instead sank down onto the bed and began to weep.

He was sure that the weeping was worse than the screaming. He could take screaming, he could take anger. But this. This he could not take.

This hurt.

"I don't hate you," Kirsten said finally. Sandy was surprised at this, and didn't bother to hide it from her. He had expected for her to loathe him with every fiber of her being.

"You don't?" He asked turning back around away from the window to face her.

"No," she said and he was relieved to see that she had stopped crying. There was a but there, he could see it. He could see it, and he wanted her to stop. Kirsten didn't hate him. She should hate him. He would completely understand if she hated him. He almost wanted her to hate him, and at the same time was so very relieved that she didn't.

But there was something else she needed to say, and he knew, instinctively that whatever it was, he wouldn't want to hear it.

"But," he started for her. He knew her too well, and he almost saw a smile form on her beautiful face.

"But I can't forgive you," she finally said. "At least not now. I don't know if I ever will be able to forgive you."

With those words, Sandy sank to his knees and wept into his hands. It was Kirsten's turn to fight with herself on whether or not she should go to him, and in the end, she rose from the bed, walked right past his huddled form and went into the bathroom, closing the door behind her.

Sandy felt her walk past him, he heard the door shut, and he heard the water from the shower turn on. He sat on the floor, and continued to weep.

He cried because of what he had done.

He cried because of the look on her face when he told her.

He cried because she had cried.

But mostly he cried because he had lost her.

* * *

Kirsten stood in the shower, letting the steaming hot water run over her body, and letting the water mix with the salty tears. 

She wondered if she could ever forgive him. She wondered if she could take him back, and she wondered even if she did take him back, if there would ever be a time that she didn't close her eyes and think about what he had done.

She thought about her sons. She thought about what this would do to them. It killed her to imagine their reactions when they found out that their father was moving out. She knew that they would beg to know why, and she wondered if she should tell them the truth.

Sandy was still their father, despite what he had done. They regarded him as a hero, could she really taint that image? As angry as she was, could she really do that to him? To their boys?

She wondered briefly who the boys would want to live with, and she shook the thought out of her head as soon as it popped in. It wasn't even a relevant question, Sandy would insist that they live with her. He wouldn't try to take them away from her, and she knew that.

Kirsten didn't know how long she stood there underneath the water. She stood until the water turned cold, and then she got out and in the mirror saw that her skin was red from the hot water. She wrapped her robe around her body, and opened the door, half expecting to see Sandy still on the floor crying. Instead she found him with an open bag on the bed, packing shirts and pants.

"Where are you going?" He hadn't heard the bathroom door open, and her voice startled him. He was still crying, and he saw that she was done for the moment.

"I thought it would be better if I went to a hotel for a little while," he explained.

"Oh." Kirsten didn't tell him not to go. She didn't beg him to stay. Had he really thought that she would?

"I just figured that I would give you some space," he said shrugging, and wiping away the few tears that continued to fall. She just nodded and went to her dresser and pulled out clothes to change into. Without another word in his direction, she went back into the bathroom and closed the door.

He finished packing the bag and went to the closed bathroom door.

"I'm sorry," he said once again. The door opened and Kirsten stood there, her blue eyes flashed something that he recognized as anger, or sadness, or maybe a mixture of both. Her face was flushed, and she had never looked more beautiful to him.

"But that doesn't change anything, does it?" She stated sadly. Her hand reached out and touched his face, and he closed his eyes and leaned into her touch. "You should leave." She removed her hand and watched as he gathered his things.

"I'll call you when I get to the hotel, let you know which one I'm staying at…" It dawned on him that she might not care where he was staying, as long as it wasn't their house. But she said that she didn't hate him, and if she didn't hate him then surely she would want to know that he was safe. "You know, just in case the boys want to get a hold of me." The boys, he hadn't thought about the boys. He hadn't thought about anyone but himself really.

She was sure that she had run out of tears, but they came as soon as she heard the front door shut and the car start up. They came and she sank to her knees again and she wept.

She cried because he had betrayed her.

She cried because of the look on his face when she told him that she couldn't forgive him.

She cried for her sons.

But mostly she cried because he was gone.

* * *

Okay, so there's the first chapter, and I swear I will clear up what happened between the two of them and what happens now. But you have to review, okay? Okay, awesome, get to it. Now back to Frederick Douglass for me…. 


	2. You must be gone by now

Here's the next chapter, please review and let me know what you thought. I am going to get my hair cut, and that always makes me a little nervous, because I'm terrified that they'll chop it all off and I'll be left with this awful haircut that I'm stuck with for months and everyone will point and laugh at me, and people will do that thing where they go, "Oh, you got your hair cut….it's……(awkward pause) nice…." I hate that. Yeah, sorry I'm slightly neurotic and paranoid. Anyway, review please!

Disclaimer: The characters that you know, are not so much mine.

* * *

_One hand on the trigger of the telephone_

_Wondering when the call comes_

_When you say it's alright_

_You got your heart right_

* * *

Kirsten was still crying when the boys stumbled in the door later that night. She heard the door open and shut, and she heard Ryan berate Seth for making them late for curfew, and she knew that they were looking around the living room surprised that neither she nor Sandy was sitting up waiting for them.

"Dude, though, we got away with it," Seth said gleefully. It was Ryan who picked up on the vibe in the house. It was Ryan who first figured out that something had gone on there, something was wrong. It was Ryan who shook his head and looked at his foster brother.

"Seth, there's a reason that for the first time since…ever, one of them isn't sitting waiting up for us," Ryan reasoned with his foster brother. Ryan sighed and moved towards the staircase that led to Kirsten and Sandy's bedroom. He saw that their door was cracked, and his heart rate quickened, and he knocked lightly. Kirsten hurried wiped away the tears in vain, trying to shield her children from this for as long as she possibly could.

"Yes?" Her voice cracked and she hated that she was still crying.

"It's Ryan," he said opening the door the whole way. He paused when he saw her tear-stained face. He had been right. Something had gone on there. Broken glass was lying on the bedroom floor, and he immediately became overprotective of his surrogate mother. "Are you okay? Where's Sandy?" Ryan walked to the window and looked out, and Kirsten began to cry harder. "Kirsten? What's the matter? What happened? Where's Sandy? Are you okay?"

"I'm okay," she finally got out. It was a lie. She was far from okay, but she saw the worry in Ryan's eyes and she wanted to reassure him. "Sandy's…going to stay at a hotel for a couple of days." Another lie. A couple of days could very well turn into a couple of weeks. Or months. This could be the end of her marriage. The thought made her sick to her stomach.

"Why?" There was the question that she didn't want to answer. Ryan took in the broken glass, and the broken woman in front of him and lowered his voice. "Did he hurt you?" He was thinking physically, and she could see the anger flare up in his eyes. Too many times had he seen his mother get hurt by one of her boyfriends.

But this was Sandy. Sandy wouldn't hurt Kirsten. He loved her too much. Ryan couldn't imagine his foster father laying a single hand on Kirsten.

Then again, she was lying here crying, and Sandy was at a hotel, and if something had happened with his wife, there was no way that Sandy would be anywhere but her side. Ryan's head was spinning.

"We're…He's…I'm…" Kirsten shook her head. "We're having some problems right now. It's nothing for you to worry about, really honey. It's okay." Seth appeared in the doorway and took in the sight of his parents' bedroom and frowned.

"Where's Dad?" He asked his mother moving closer to her. She sighed and bit her lip to stop from crying again.

"He's staying at a hotel for a couple of days," she told her son. There was no way that she could lie about that. They weren't stupid. She should have thought about more about what she would tell them when they got home. She should have cleaned up the mess that their fight had caused. She could have told them that he had to suddenly go away on a business trip. That he had left right after they had.

But she had been too busy falling apart to think ahead.

And now she had to tell the truth.

"We're having some…issues," she added.

"What kind of issues?" Seth asked, his voice was hard and it made her flinch and she wanted to crawl under her covers and never come out.

"Seth, please," she said beginning to massage her temples. "I can't…."

"We'll help you clean up in the morning," Ryan said interrupting. She looked as if she had a rough night, and the last thing she needed was for Seth to be blaming her for his father staying at a hotel. Ryan knew enough to know that if Sandy was staying at a hotel, not even in one of the guest rooms, he had done something to deserve to be at the hotel.

"Thank you," she said and Ryan pulled on Seth's arm. "I'm sorry…" Seth's mouth opened to argue with Ryan for dragging him away, or to say something back to his mother, but Ryan wouldn't let him.

"Don't be sorry," he quickly said. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight," she said gratefully. "I love you both." Her voice cracked and she couldn't help the few tears that escaped as Ryan returned the sentiment and pulled Seth all the way out of the room.

"Why did you make me leave?" Seth asked angrily. "I wanted to know why Dad isn't here."

"Seth, she's upset."

"What?"

"Couldn't you see that she was trying hard not to cry? Didn't you see that? She didn't want to cry in front of us," Ryan said, his patience with Seth wearing very thin. "And you blaming her because Sandy isn't here isn't helping her any. Something happened here tonight. Something went on between the two of them, and it probably wasn't her fault, or at the very least wasn't only her fault."

"I didn't….blame her," Seth argued. "I just…" Seth trailed off and looked in the direction of his mother's bedroom. "I should go apologize."

"You can apologize tomorrow," Ryan said. "Let her sleep it off." He looked towards Kirsten and Sandy's room and walked towards the pool house. As he walked through the kitchen, the phone rang. Ryan walked over to it and picked it up and was about to say hello when he heard Sandy's voice.

"I'm at the hotel. The Mermaid, I think it's called. Room 203. I just wanted to let you know that."

"Okay," Kirsten's voice was monotone and betrayed no emotion.

"I'm sorry."

"You keep saying that, like it's supposed to mean something to me," Kirsten replied bitterly.

"Kirsten…God, I shouldn't have…I'm so sorry, I wasn't thinking…I just…it happened so fast," Sandy stuttered.

"Sandy, you slept with her." Ryan almost dropped the phone in shock. Sandy had cheated on Kirsten? Why would he do that? He loved Kirsten. He adored her. Shock wore off and it was soon replaced by anger. He hung up the phone quietly and grabbed the car keys. Halfway out the door, Seth stopped him.

"Where are you going?"

"Seth, go back to bed," Ryan instructed.

"No, tell me where you are going."

"I need to talk to your dad." Seth looked surprised.

"What did he do?" He asked. Ryan didn't think he should be the one to tell Seth. He was pretty sure that Kirsten hadn't wanted him to know, and she certainly did not want Seth to know.

"He slept with someone else," Ryan finally admitted. "I have to go talk to him." Seth faltered for a moment, shaking his head in disbelief. Ryan tried to push past him, but Seth snapped out of it and put himself between Ryan and the door again.

"I'm coming with you," Seth insisted. Ryan knew that this wasn't an argument he would win, and so he nodded and allowed Seth to follow behind him. He hoped that Kirsten wouldn't hear the car start. It was in the car that Ryan's statement began to hit Seth.

"No, you have to be wrong," Seth began. "My dad wouldn't….not to Mom. No, he wouldn't." Seth was shaking his head. Ryan just ignored him, focusing on the road instead.

The two pulled up to the old familiar motel, and Ryan jumped out first and headed towards room 203. He knocked loudly and he heard shuffling towards the door. Sandy looked shocked when he saw his sons standing there.

"What…what are you guys doing here? Does your mother know that you're here?" Somehow Sandy doubted it. There was no way, even in the state that she was in, that Kirsten would let the boys back out at two in the morning.

"No," Ryan said shortly. He was about to open his mouth to say more when Seth exploded next to him.

"What were you thinking Dad? Did you think that you could find someone prettier than Mom? Smarter? More special? Cause, newsflash, you can't." Sandy's face drained of color and he looked from Ryan to Seth.

"Did she tell you what happened?" Sandy asked in a small voice.

"No," Ryan jumped in. "I overheard." Sandy opened the door wider and allowed the two boys to come in. Sandy sighed.

"No, I didn't think I could find someone more special than your mother," Sandy started. "She's…she's the most amazing, beautiful woman I've ever met."

"Then what the hell were you thinking?" Seth asked.

"I wasn't…" Sandy replied. "I just…it's a long story."

"Well, we've got plenty of time," Seth responded. He took a seat on the edge of the bed.

"You should call your mother. Let her know where you are," Sandy said. Ryan was sure that Kirsten hadn't noticed that they were gone, but he nodded and took his phone just in case she had. He didn't want to make her more upset than she already was at that point.

She answered on the second ring.

"Sandy, I really don't want to…"

"Kirsten," Ryan interrupted.

"Ryan? Where are you? Aren't you in the pool house?"

"No…Seth and I are…well, we came to talk to Sandy," Ryan said sheepishly. The other end of the line was quiet, and Ryan held his breath waiting for her response.

"Do you know what happened?" She finally asked.

"I accidentally overheard," Ryan admitted. "And Seth and I…we just wanted….we needed to…"

"It's fine," Kirsten interrupted. "You are allowed to talk to him. I wish you would have waited until morning, but…just be careful on the way home okay?"

"Okay," Ryan promised. "We'll be careful."

"Is she okay?" Sandy asked.

"No," Ryan answered bluntly. "You hurt her." Sandy nodded. He knew that he hurt her. It killed him that he hurt her. It was just….

Rebecca.

He knew that he didn't love her like he loved Kirsten. He knew that it was simply because he hadn't gotten to say goodbye. It was because he had no closure with Rebecca. No way of ever really knowing if they would have worked or not, because she took off. It was the what if's that had always held the allure, and not really Rebecca.

Because if he was to make a comparison between Kirsten and Rebecca, there was no way that Kirsten wouldn't win. She was more beautiful, she was smarter, she was kinder, she was…hurt. He had hurt her. All because he had been stuck in a hotel room with Rebecca, and he had been lonely, and angry with Kirsten, and things had quickly gotten out of control.

_"I shouldn't do this," Sandy said as he pulled back away from Rebecca. "I'm married." Rebecca nodded and pulled back slightly. _

_"But you're here with me," she had reminded him. "You could be home with your wife, but instead you're here. That has to mean something Sandy." She leaned forward and kissed him again, and he had an image of Kirsten that morning, lying bed, turning away from him when he tried to talk to him. He felt a sudden pang of guilt which was replace by anger. Kirsten was acting like a child. They were grown adults and she should trust him. Of course, she could be entirely justified in not trusting him, but she refused to talk to him. It was times like this that he was reminded that his wife was a spoiled Newport brat who insisted on always getting her way. _

_Sandy realized that wasn't fair. He realized that he had been acting like a complete jerk the past couple of weeks and he couldn't blame her for not wanting to talk to him, or see him. He had left her alone on Valentine's Day, for God's sake. Her absolute favorite holiday. He had continually put Rebecca before her, before their family. _

_But he needed a reason to justify what he was now doing with Rebecca in his head, and blaming Kirsten for her make- believe behavior was the only way that he could. _

_He thought of Kirsten the entire time. He compared the way that Rebecca moved to the way that Kirsten moved. He compared Kirsten's soft, gentle kisses to Rebecca's intense, desperate ones. He compared the way that Kirsten felt to the way that Rebecca felt, and he wished that he could stop, but he couldn't. _

_He hated himself when he rolled over and was suffocating in dark, brown hair instead of the normal golden blonde. He thought about Kirsten. He thought about her smile, and her laugh. He thought about what he had just done. _

_"I need to go," he stuttered as he stumbled out of the bed grabbing his clothing. Rebecca looked at him in confusion. _

_"Sandy, the roads are closed."_

_"I don't care," he said. "I'll walk home if I need to. I need to go home…I need to get to…"_

_"Kirsten?" The name was said with such bitterness that Sandy could almost hear the hate in it. _

_"Yes."_

_"Why are you going back to her?" Rebecca asked. "Is it because of your sons? I love you Sandy. I love you, I always have." _

_"It's not Seth and Ryan," Sandy said. "It's because I love her. And I shouldn't have…I shouldn't have slept with you. I need to go." He ran out of the motel and jumped into his car and began to punch the steering wheel. He was so stupid. What had he done? He started the car and he was suddenly aware of Rebecca next to the window. He rolled it down. _

_"Sandy, please don't go," she begged. Sandy shook his head, he should have gone awhile ago. He certainly couldn't stay now. Not with her. _

_"I can't stay, I need to go home to Kirsten," he repeated. "I love her. I have to make sure that she knows that. That she knows that I love her. I can't stay here and do any more damage to my marriage than I already have."_

_"What if she leaves you Sandy? What then?" _

_"Rebecca, we would have never worked," he said to her. And finally he realized that it was true. Kirsten had claimed that Rebecca was the love of his life, and he had blown her off, and not answered. But he should have answered. He should have told Kirsten that she was the love of his life. He should have told her that she was his world, and that the sun rose and set with her. But instead he came here. To this crappy motel on the side of the highway. And he slept with someone else. "Goodbye Rebecca." _

_"Bye Sandy," she said softly and he rolled up his windows and he drove away. _

"I'm sorry," Sandy was apologizing to his sons this time. Apologizing for hurting their mother.

"That's not good enough," Seth said.

"Can you tell her that I love her?" Sandy asked. It was directed at Ryan, because Seth was far too angry to listen to anything his father had to say.

"Whatever that means," Seth shot back.

"Sandy, who did you sleep with?" Ryan asked ignoring Sandy's request.

"An old girlfriend," Sandy admitted. "She came back into town and…I was driving her during the rain storm and we got stuck in a motel and one thing led to another…."

"And you cheated on Kirsten," Ryan finished for him. "We know that part of the story."

"I'm sorry," Sandy said again. "I wish I could go back. As soon as it happened I wished that I could go back and change it."

"But you can't," Ryan said. "Seth, we should go. We should go check on Kirsten." At the sound of his wife's name, Sandy's face crumbled and he began to sob into his hands. Seth looked back at his father, his hero, crying into his hands and he suddenly felt pity for him.

"I'll tell her that you love her," Seth said. "But I don't know if it's going to make any difference to her." With that, he and Ryan left the motel, and left Sandy alone again.

* * *

Okily Dokily, sorry that took so long. I had another stupid paper to write. I hate getting close to the end of the semester. Everything is due all at once. Makes my head hurt. Anyway, please review and let me know what you thought of this chapter. And the more you review the faster I write the next chapter. See, now don't you want to review? I thought so. 


	3. We share the sadness

Okay, so here's the next chapter. I'm not studying for the test that I should be studying for, but hey, you guys get anotherchapter out of it. See, I'm really being selfless, not worrying about myself and only concerning myself with you! So you should review, cause it would be the nice thing to do.

Disclaimer: The characters, nor the song are mine.

_

* * *

_

_Maybe I'll sleep inside my coat_

_Wait on your porch 'til you come back home all right_

_I can't find a flight_

_We share the sadness_

_Split screen sadness_

_Two wrongs make it all alright tonight _

* * *

When Kirsten woke up the next morning, she was surprised to find herself alone, and then it came rushing back to her.

Sandy had cheated on her.

With Rebecca.

Sandy had slept with Rebecca.

Kirsten sighed and fought back the tears that threatened. She had known the minute that he had shown up soaking wet that something was wrong. He had called her from the road.

_"Kirsten? I'm coming home, and I'm so sorry," he said. Kirsten assumed that he was sorry for even going in the first place. _

_"We'll talk about it when you get home," she told him. "Just drive safely, okay?" She didn't want anything to happen to him. It was still a torrential downpour outside. _

_"I will," there was a pause. "I love you. So much. God, Kirsten, you know that right? You know how much I love you?" It was time for a pause on her end. _

_Did she know how much he loved her? _

_She thought that she did. She thought that he loved her the same way that she loved him. Her world began and ended with him, and she had naively thought that it was the same for him. But lately, with Rebecca in the picture, Kirsten had started to wonder about how much he really loved her. Did he love her as much as Rebecca? Was he always sorry that he had ended up with Kirsten instead of Rebecca? _

_Was she his second choice? Would she always be his second choice? _

_"Kirsten?" His voice wavered._

_"Yes? Oh, yes, I know that you love me." She didn't sound very convinced, and he hated that she felt that way. And she didn't even know what he had done yet. If she found out, she would hate him. She would leave him. She would take the boys and they'd be gone. And it would be his fault. _

_"I'm so sorry," he repeated again. _

_"You shouldn't be on the phone and driving in this weather," Kirsten said finally. "I'll see you when you get home." _

_"Okay, I love you," he said. He needed to hear her say it one more time. One more time before he got home and told her what happened in the motel room. Told her how he slept with someone else. He needed to hear the words come out of her mouth. _

_"I love you too," she replied. She hung up the phone and took a book and sat in the living room waiting for him. The door opened and he stood there, soaking wet and dripping onto the front hall floor. _

_"Kirsten," he said breathing in the sight of her. He memorized the way that she looked right at that moment. Her hair was pulled back into a messy ponytail and she was wearing an old sweatshirt of his. _

_"You made it home," she said with a small smile. She saw the look on his face, and the smile instantly dropped off her face. "What's the matter?" _

_"We need to talk," he said taking off his coat and crossing the living room to be near her. _

_"Why don't you go change? And I'll put on a pot of coffee," Kirsten suggested. She had no idea what was coming. She had no idea that what her husband would say would completely shake her world. _

_"Okay," he was all about delaying the inevitable. He knew that he couldn't lie to her anymore. He knew that he needed to tell her what happened. He needed to tell her that he had slept with someone else. He went up and put on dry clothes and when he came back down she was waiting with two cups of coffee sitting on the island. _

_"Thank you," he said taking his._

_"You're welcome," she said. "So…um…I guess you should start…" Sandy nodded. _

_"Before I start though, let me tell you again that I love you so much. You are my entire world, Kirsten. I…I don't know…I love you so much. And I never meant to hurt you, I didn't…I just…things got out of….with Rebecca, and I just….I never meant to….it wasn't planned…I just…"_

_"What Sandy?" She interrupted his stuttering. With the second question her voice dropped, as if she was afraid by asking the question she would hear the answer. And she was terrified of the answer. "What did you do?" _

_"I slept with her," he said just as softly. The mug that she was holding dropped out of her hand and it shattered as soon as it made contact with the kitchen floor. "I'm so sorry." She shook her head. _

_He slept with her. _

_He slept with Rebecca. _

_He cheated on her._

_He claimed that he loved her._

_How could he do this? _

_"How could you do that?" She asked looking up at him. Tears were already starting to fall without her knowing, and Sandy could almost feel her heart break. Because of him. _

_"I don't know…I don't know…" He shook his head trying to find the right thing to say to her. _

_"God damn it Sandy, how could you do this?" Anger was now replacing shock. "How could you do this?" She was screaming now. She was gripping the counter, and tears were streaming down his face and he wanted to crawl in a ball and die. He wanted to go back and leave the motel before any of it had happened. He wanted more than anything to have not hurt her. _

_"Kirsten…I'm so sorry," that was the only thing that he could say. It wasn't enough, and she began to walk away from him. "Please…talk to me."_

_"I can't," she said as she took the stairs two at a time. "I can't talk to you. I can't look at you. I can't look at you without thinking about what you did. I can't see you without her." _

Kirsten swung her legs over the side of her bed and headed down to the kitchen. Both her sons were already sitting at the counter, eating cereal. They had been talking quietly and they both stopped when she entered.

"Don't stop talking on my account," she said forcing a small smile.

"Mom, I'm so sorry," Seth said standing up, and to Kirsten's surprise, wrapping his arms around her in a hug.

"Thanks Seth," she replied. Her son hadn't hugged her without cajoling from either of his parents in quite awhile. She held onto him a little longer than she normally would.

"How are you doing?" Ryan asked gently. Kirsten tried a glib shrug, but her face crumbled and she began to sob into her hands.

"Not so good," she managed to get out.

"What are you going to do?" Seth asked as he ran a hand over her back to try to calm her down.

"I don't know," she answered. "I don't know if I can…forgive him." She realized that maybe her sons weren't the best people to be talking about this to, but she didn't want to tell her father, and she really couldn't trust Julie, and Jimmy was off on some boat somewhere, and Hailey was in Japan, and the person that she would normally turn to when the floor fell out from below her was the same person who had put her in this position.

She had no one else to talk to.

"Do whatever you want and we'll respect your decision," Ryan assured her.

"Yeah, Mom, whatever you choose, that's what we'll do," Seth chimed in.

"Thank you guys," she said sincerely reaching over and taking Ryan's hand in hers and giving it a squeeze. She shook her head, and opted for a change of subject. "What are your plans for today?"

"Well, we were supposed to go out with Summer and Marissa," Seth started. "But we'll cancel, and stay home with you?" Kirsten shook her head.

"No don't do that, go out with them," Kirsten insisted. "Have fun. This isn't your problem, really, it's mine and your dad's." Seth and Ryan both looked at her skeptically, but nodded and finished their cereal, and grabbed the car keys and left her alone once again.

* * *

Sandy pulled into his driveway and looked up at his house.

How could he have been so stupid to sleep with someone else?

He sighed as he turned off the car and got out. He had purposely only taken one change of clothes so that he would have to go back home. Maybe she would be more forgiving in the morning. He doubted it, but it was worth a shot.

He came to the door and wondered if he should knock, or just walk in. After all, it was his house still right? But did he have the right to just walk in? He chose the doorbell, not wanting to make his wife any angrier than she already was. She answered the door, and he could tell that she had gotten little to no sleep the night before.

"Hi," he said softly.

"Hi," she replied.

"How are you?" He asked.

"How do you think I am?" She paused. "Did you want to come in?"

"I need more of my things, if that's okay," he said as he stepped inside the familiar house. He wanted to pull her into his arms so badly that it was physically hurting him not to.

"That's fine," she said. He started towards their bedroom.

"Are we…what are we….what happens now?" He shoved his hands in his pockets and looked at her hopefully. Kirsten sighed.

"I need more time to figure things out," she finally said.

"Sure, take as much time as you need," Sandy said. He found it inspiring that she was at least thinking things over. He was sure that she would tell him that she never wanted to see him again and would leave no room for argument. He looked around the house. "It's quiet in here, where are the boys?"

"Out with the girls," Kirsten answered. "Seth and Summer are back together."

"Really? When did that happen?"

"Last night, when you were sleeping with someone else," she answered bitterly. Sandy didn't answer and she sighed again. "Lindsay is gone."

"What?"

"She went to live in Chicago with her mother," Kirsten said and her bottom lip quivered. She hadn't known Lindsay that long, but she was her sister and she could really use a sister right about then.

"How's Ryan taking it?"

"Not good," Kirsten shook her head and closed her eyes and again Sandy's arms ached to hold her.

"I'm sorry baby," he said. "I know you were just getting to know her." Kirsten's head shot up at the term of endearment. She wondered what he had called Rebecca. Had he used any terms of endearment with her? She shook her head. It was so natural, Sandy calling her baby or honey, that he probably didn't even realize that he had used it.

"Thanks," Kirsten replied softly after a minute. "So anyway, I guess we should go get you some of your things." Sandy knew that talking time was over, and he nodded and together they headed towards their bedroom.

There were so many things that Kirsten wanted to know, but couldn't make herself ask. Was Rebecca good? Did he enjoy it? Did he think of her? Did he compare Rebecca to her? Did he kiss Rebecca like he kissed her? Did he hold her like he always held Kirsten?

And at the same time, Kirsten didn't want to know. She didn't want to know if he whispered in Rebecca's ear, "I love you, I love you, I love you," like he always did to Kirsten.

She wanted to know if she could ever touch him again and not think about the way that he touched Rebecca. She wanted to know if she could ever close her eyes and not see him kissing Rebecca. She wanted to know how to react. She wanted to know what to do now. She wanted to know if she could ever forgive him. She wanted to know what would happen if she didn't forgive him.

Never before had Kirsten wanted her mother as badly as she did at that moment.

Kirsten sat on the edge of the bed watching as Sandy packed a small bag. He paused at his dresser, at the picture that sat on top. It was his favorite of Kirsten. She hadn't been aware that he was taking the picture, and she was laughing at something that Seth had said. She was so beautiful. He took the picture off the dresser and placed it in the bag.

"We'll talk later?" He asked as he headed towards the door. She nodded.

"Later," she confirmed. She stood up and walked him out, and before he left, he reached out and grabbed her hand and gave it a squeeze and leaned in to give her a small kiss on the cheek.

"I love you, I love you, I love you," he whispered. And then he was gone. And she stood in the front hall repeating the words to herself.

_I love you, I love you, I love you. _

* * *

So there you go, please review and let me know what you thought. I suppose I shoudl go study...but it's so nice out, that I think I'll forget studying and go play! Review please! 


	4. We're tired, battered fighters

Sorry this chapter took so long, I had a bit of writer's block, and then I was crazy busy, so I hope that you enjoy it, and I'll try really hard to get the next one up faster. I pinky swear. Anyway, please review and let me know what you thought.

Disclaimer: The characters and the song are not so much mine as they aren't mine.

* * *

"_All you need is love" is a lie cause_

_We had the love_

_But we still said goodbye_

_Now we're tired, battered fighters_

* * *

Kirsten was woken up with the overwhelming urge to throw up. She ran to the bathroom and held on to the toilet as her body shook as her stomach purged itself of its contents. Seth had been coming up the stairs to check on her when he heard her retching and ran to the bathroom and held back her hair.

"Are you okay?" He asked as she sat back and he handed her a wet washcloth.

"I'm fine," she said wiping her face and sitting back and resting against the wall.

"Are you sure?" Seth raised an eyebrow at her, and she was suddenly hit by how much he was like his father, and she wanted to throw up again.

"I'm sure Seth," she told him and he helped her to her feet.

"Are you going to work?" He asked as they walked into her bedroom.

"Yes," she said. "I need…I need to not think about it for awhile."

"What are you going to tell Grandpa?" Her father. Kirsten had not thought about her father. He would give her a smug look. That "I told you so" look that he had perfected so long ago. She _really_ did not want to see that look.

"I don't think I'm going to tell him anything until I figure out what's going to happen," Kirsten decided. Seth was quiet for a minute.

"What is going to happen?"

"I'm not sure yet," she said honestly. "But Seth, seriously, please don't worry about it too much. Your dad and I will figure it out, and no matter what happens, we will both still love you." Seth nodded. It was the typical response from divorcing parents. We'll still love you. He hated to think of his parents as divorced.

His parents were perfect. And he couldn't imagine one without the other. He wouldn't imagine one without the other. They just…fit. Kirsten and Sandy Cohen. It was just right.

What was his father thinking?

"I know that," he assured his mother. They headed downstairs and found Ryan in the kitchen fixing himself a cup of coffee.

"Coffee?" He offered Kirsten, she accepted gratefully and took a sip. Coffee reminded her of Sandy. Everything reminded her of Sandy. The smell suddenly made her nauseous again and she quickly handed it back to Ryan.

"So, um, do you need a ride to school?" She asked as she sliced a bagel.

"No, Summer's coming to get us," Seth said. Her son kept giving her sympathetic looks when he thought she wasn't looking. She was looking, and she was sick of the pity looks already. God, she thought, what happens when everyone finds out? Will I just get look after look of pity? Oh, poor Kirsten Cohen, her husband slept with someone else. Kirsten shook the thoughts out of her head. The phone rang and Ryan picked it up.

"Hello?" There was a pause. "Hi Sandy." Kirsten's head shot up at the sound of her husband's name. "Okay. I will. Okay. Bye." He handed the phone off to Seth.

"He wanted to tell me to have a good day," Ryan said shrugging. "And that he loved me." Despite what he was doing to her, Kirsten was reminded of what a great father Sandy was. He loved his boys. And she had thought that he loved her.

Maybe he did love her.

Maybe it was just a stupid mistake. A one time thing. Could she forgive a one time mistake? Could she give up 20 years over this?

"Mom? Dad wants to know if you'll talk to him," Seth said covering the mouthpiece with his hand. "Want me to tell him to go screw himself?" Kirsten laughed a little at her son's sincerity,and shook her head. As much as she wanted to have Seth do just that, she knew that she had to be an adult about the whole thing.

"No Seth, don't tell him that, give me the phone," she said reaching out her hand to take it.

"Kirsten?"

"Hi, Sandy," she said softly.

"I just…wanted to tell you to have a good day…I just…couldn't…it's so strange to not see you in the morning or at least hear your voice, and I…needed to," Sandy sighed on his end and she could picture him running a hand through his hair. He always did when he was frustrated or upset. "I love you." Kirsten was quiet on her end and Sandy wondered if he shouldn't have added that last part.

"Thank you," she finally said after a long pause. She said goodbye and hung up the phone. "Are you guys ready? Summer should be here any minute right?" She didn't wait for an answer, just hurried back up to her bedroom and closed the door behind her.

How was she going to get through today?

How was she going to get through any day?

* * *

"How is your mom?" Summer asked when Seth and Ryan got into her car. Seth shrugged and turned to look out the window.

"Not good," Ryan answered for them. "I mean…her and Sandy…I thought they were infallible."

"Me too," Summer said softly. Seth didn't say anything; he just continued to stare out the window. "No one else knows yet?"

"No, she won't even tell Caleb until she figures out what she's going to do," Ryan said, as Seth was clearly not offering up any information.

"I just…can't believe it," Summer said shaking her head. "Who did he sleep with?" Seth hated to think of his father sleeping with his mother, let alone someone entirely different. Seth shrugged.

"We don't know, both just said that it's 'a long story,'" Seth finally spoke up. "An ex-girlfriend, but we don't know her."

Summer had been in a state of shock when Seth told her that weekend. He had made her promise not to tell anyone else, and she had sworn.

"What is it?" She had said impatiently.

"No, seriously, you can't tell anyone," Seth said.

"I promise Cohen, okay? Tell me."

"My dad cheated on my mom. He's moved out for right now. I don't know what's going to happen." Summer had been speechless. Sandy had cheated on Kirsten? It was impossible. They were perfect. Kirsten was perfect. Why the hell would he want to sleep with someone else?

Cohen had been inconsolable as he placed his head in his hands and sobbed.

"They can't divorce," he had managed to choke out. "And my mom…she's so upset…and I can't…I wish…I hate him, Sum, I hate him for doing this to her. To us." Summer wanted to tell him that it would be all right, that even if they divorced it would be okay, but she couldn't find the right words, and so she had wrapped her arms around him and let him cry into her shoulder.

* * *

Kirsten sat at her desk and stared at the picture of her and Sandy. She wanted to pick it up and throw it across the room, but she couldn't. She couldn't even place it in the drawer. Her stomach had finally stopped doing the somersaults it had been, and she was trying hard to focus on something other than Sandy and Rebecca, which always just started the somersaults once again. Sighing, she rested her head on the cool desk and she was still in that position when the door opened and she heard Julie's voice.

"Kirsten? Are you okay?" Julie actually seemed worried and Kirsten lifted her head up and plastered on a fake smile.

"I'm fine," she said. "Just tired. Do you need something?" Julie didn't look exactly convinced, but Kirsten didn't really care.

"Just wanted to go over some things about the magazine with you," Julie said. "Are you sure that you're okay?" Kirsten nodded, and bit her lip to stop the tears the threatened.

"I'm sure," she lied.

"And you and Sandy okay?" Julie asked remembering the conversation that she had Kirsten had over drinks that weekend. She had a strong suspicion that something was up with her stepdaughter. Kirsten tried nodding again, but she couldn't and she began to cry.

As much as she wanted someone to confide in, she knew that confiding in Julie probably wasn't the best idea. The last thing that Kirsten needed was for everyone in Newport to find out.

"No," Kirsten finally decided to go with the truth. The overwhelming need to talk tosomeone other than one of her sons wasoverriding the need to keep it a secret."He slept with her."

"Rebecca?" Julie asked closing the door and sitting down across from Kirsten.

"Yes," Kirsten said. "The night of the rain storm."

"I'm so sorry," Julie said, and she surprised both herself and Kirsten by how sincere she sounded. How sincere she was.

"Could you not tell…anyone about this? But especially my dad? I haven't…we haven't…we don't….I don't know what I'm going to do yet, and I'd rather not have everyone knowing until I do know."

"Sure," Julie promised. "Your father and I aren't exactly on speaking terms anyway."

"Thank you," Kirsten whispered.

"No problem," Julie said reaching across and taking Kirsten's hand and giving it a squeeze. "It's going to be okay."

"How do you know?" Kirsten asked in a small voice.

"Because it has to be," Julie answered with a small shrug. "But hey, let's get out of here. Get some food or something?"

"I've been craving a cheeseburger with mushrooms all day," Kirsten admitted.

"Then cheeseburgers with mushrooms it is," Julie grinned at Kirsten. "Let me just go grab my purse and then I'll meet you back here."

"Great," Kirsten said. She pulled out a mirror and checked the damage. She was so sick of crying.

She was sick of wondering what was going to happen.

She was sick of wondering what she had done wrong.

She was sick of thinking of the ways that she hadn't been enough for Sandy.

She couldn't have been enough, if she had, he wouldn't have cheated on her. Wasn't she pretty enough? Wasn't she smart enough? Wasn't she just enough? What was it about Rebecca?

Kirsten couldn't think about it anymore. It made her nauseous. She would just go and enjoy a meal with Julie and not think about Sandy or Rebecca, or what would happen to her marriage.

* * *

Sandy was very grateful that he had started his own practice, because that meant there was no one to call and have to tell that he couldn't come to work that day because he had cheated on his wife and was currently in the middle of becoming very, very intoxicated.

All he could see was Kirsten's face.

Kirsten's face when she smiled, and when she laughed. That look that she got when she thought he was crazy, or when she was excited about something. The way that her eyes lit up and she couldn't contain the grin that would spread across her beautiful face.

The look on her face when he told her that he slept with someone else.

Sandy grabbed another bottle from the case that he had bought and took a long drink.

He missed her so much that it hurt him. Rebecca had called. She had been calling at least once every two hours since he had left her in the motel room. She was hiding out there for a little while before running away again.

"Sandy, it's Rebecca…again. We need to talk, please call me back at this number.,." The message was the same every time. And he ignored it every time. He kept picking up the phone to call Kirsten at work before chickening out and hanging up. She had been warmer to him that morning than she had been since he had told her about Rebecca. It gave him the smallest glimmer of hope that they could work things out.

He held onto that hope as he drank another beer. He couldn't lose her.

Not without a fight at least.

* * *

Okay so there's the next chapter, please let me know what you thought. I'm off to start a philosophy paper that I had been avoiding for some time now. Oh well. Make me feel better and review, please? This philosophy paper is going to be the ruination of me, I can tell already. 


	5. It's only the air you took

So here's the next chapter. I'm already almost done with the next one, so I'll try to get it up quickly. I'm so bummed out, I went to a going away party last night for one of my friends who is transferring, and then I got really drunk, so it didn't hit me until today that she's leaving, and now I'm bummed and extremely hung over. So make me feel better, and leave a review! Thanks!

Disclaimer: The characters nor the song are mine.

* * *

_And it stings when it's nobody's fault_

_Cause there's nothing to blame_

_At the drop of your name_

_It's only the air you took_

_And the breath you left _

* * *

That afternoon, Kirsten drove over to the motel that Sandy was staying at. She took a deep breath and walked up to his door. She knocked once and waited for him to answer. They needed to talk. She had been putting it off, and she knew that she had to get it over with at some point. They had to figure out what was going to happen from there.

She had to figure out what was going to happen from there.

After her lunch with Julie, Kirsten had decided that she would let him talk. She would listen. The door to the motel room opened and Sandy stood there, unshaven and drunk.

"Kirsten," he breathed when he saw his wife.

"Sandy? Did you go to work today?" She asked as he stepped aside to let her in. The room was covered with beer bottles.

"Couldn't," he said. "I couldn't concentrate. I couldn't stop thinking about you." Even when she was angry with him, Sandy had a way of saying things that made her heart stop and she would usually melt and be putty in his hands.

Usually. Not today.

"Oh Sandy, look at this place!" Kirsten hadn't started drinking yet. She had been too busy crying. She knew that the drinking would come. It would be nice, now that she thought about it, to be completely numb. It would be nice to not have to feel for awhile.

"I'm sorry," he mumbled. He was sorry about everything. He was sorry that he hurt her. He was sorry for what he did. He was sorry that she saw him like this. He was sorry that he couldn't pull her into his arms and hold her tightly.

He was sorry.

"I wanted to talk to you…but you're not in the right state of mind," she said softly.

"No, no, I'm fine," Sandy said. If Kirsten wanted to talk, then he would let her talk. He would do whatever it took to get her back.

"I just…I want to know why you did it," she said finally, finding an empty place on the bed and sitting down. She felt nauseous again, but she stayed to listen to his answer.

"I don't know," he said seriously. Seeing Kirsten had sobered him up very fast. "I just…I never got to say goodbye to her, you know? I never had the same closure with her as you did with Jimmy. I always wondered, and I will admit, seeing her again made me feel like I was twenty-one again, and willing and able to take on the world."

"So that means you throw away twenty years with me?"

"No," Sandy said shaking his head. "I wasn't thinking, and she kissed me and I had…I don't know, we were fighting…"

"Because of her, Sandy!" Kirsten exclaimed.

"I know, I know, and I'm so sorry…I tried to block you out, but you were in my mind, I kept seeing your face. Even while…I felt so guilty."

"You thought about me while you were fucking someone else?" Kirsten asked in a low voice. The need to throw up overwhelmed her and she ran to the bathroom at the thought of her husband thinking about her while he was having sex with Rebecca. Sandy didn't hesitate before following her, and dropping down to his knees to hold back her hair. He ran a soothing hand over her back. He hadn't thought that maybe she wouldn't want him to touch her at that point; it never crossed his mind that he was the reason that she was throwing up and so maybe he should keep his distance. All Sandy knew was that his wife was sick, and he wanted to make things better for her.

Kirsten stopped throwing up and sat back as Sandy ran a wet wash cloth under the sink and handed it to her.

"Wasn't I enough for you?" Kirsten asked softly, tears starting to fall.

"You were, God, Kirsten, you were more than enough…I am such an idiot. You are the most amazing woman in the world…" She turned her head. "Do you believe that I love you? You are just…incredible. You're beautiful…" Kirsten turned her head back to face her husband.

"Those are just words Sandy," she said. "You can tell me that you love me a thousand times. You can say that I'm beautiful a thousand more, but it doesn't change the fact that there was a reason that you slept with Rebecca. There was a reason that you cheated on me. There was a reason that I wasn't enough. And I couldn't have been Sandy, because if I had been enough you wouldn't have slept with her."

"That's not true," he said. "You were enough. Its just…you were right, a part of me was still in love with her. Or at least, the idea of her. The idea of this girl who just disappeared from my life without so much as a goodbye. And maybe over time I had built her up as this…fantasy. But, Kirsten, that fantasy doesn't exist. Or…it does, but it changed over time. You are my fantasy. You are…my everything." And Kirsten wanted to believe him. She really did. But instead she dropped her head into her hands and she sobbed. And this time Sandy didn't move to take her into his arms. So they just sat on the cold bathroom floor, facing one another, both crying because of what they had lost.

* * *

"Hello?" Seth grabbed the phone on his way to the kitchen to grab something to eat.

"Seth?"

"Why hello Aunt Hailey," Seth said. "How's Japan?"

"Oh, it's amazing, but Seth, can I talk to your mom? I've been trying her all day, and her secretary said that she hasn't been in since lunch."

"She's not home," Seth said frowning. "I can have her call you when she gets home though?"

"Okay, thanks Seth," Hailey said before he heard the dial tone. Ryan came in and saw the frown on Seth's face.

"What's up?"

"My mom isn't at work," Seth said. "That was Hailey, she said that she's been trying all day."

"I'm sure she's okay Seth," Ryan said. "Give her a call." Seth nodded, and dialed his mother's number. It went to voice mail.

"Mom, it's Seth, give us a call at home when you get this."

"Try your dad," Ryan suggested. "He might know where she went." Seth didn't want to call his dad, but the want to find his mother and make sure that she was okay was overdriving the need to not talk to his dad. Seth had suddenly become very protective of his mother since his father had moved out.

"Dad?" Seth said into the phone.

"Hey Seth," Sandy answered. Kirsten had just left a few minutes before. They had stayed on the bathroom floor crying for God knows how long.

"Have you seen Mom? We're looking for her," Seth cut to the chase. He was still very, very pissed off at his father.

"She just left here like twenty minutes ago," Sandy said.

"Why was she there?" Seth asked.

"We were talking," Sandy suddenly realized that he wouldn't just have to fight for his wife, but his sons as well. This mistake was going to cost him everything if he didn't fix it soon.

"Oh. Well, thanks," Seth told him before he hung up without saying goodbye. Ryan looked at him expectantly. "She left the motel about twenty minutes ago. They were talking." As soon as the words were out of his mouth, they heard the front door open.

"Seth? Ryan?" Kirsten called out. "I brought home Thai." Ryan went to help her with the bags as Seth grabbed some plates to set out on the table.

Three plates. They were back down to three plates.

"Hailey called. She said that she's been trying to reach you all day," Seth told his mother.

"Oh, okay, thanks Seth," Kirsten busied herself with unpacking the food from the bag. "I'll call her later."

"Okay," Seth said. "Mom?"

"Yes?"

"What did you have to talk to Dad about?" Seth asked. Kirsten paused for a minute, her hand pausing before lifting out the last of the food.

"Seth, I understand that this affects you, I do, and I appreciate your concern, but conversations between your father and I are private," Kirsten finally said sighing slightly. Seth opened his mouth to argue, but he saw the look on his mother's face, and shut it again.

"Let's eat," Ryan suggested. Kirsten nodded gratefully and they moved onto small talk about school and the girls, and other safe subjects. The phone rang as they were finishing, and Kirsten stood up to answer it.

"Hi Hailey," she said. "No, sorry, I took the afternoon off. Yeah I know…hold on one minute." Kirsten looked at the boys. "I'm going to take this in the office." She placed the phone down and they heard the door to the office shut.

"What's the matter?" Hailey asked her sister. As different as she and Kirsten were, Hailey knew when Kirsten was upset, and she could tell that her sister was extremely upset about something.

"He cheated on me," it came out in one fluent breath.

"What?"

"Sandy. He slept with someone else," Kirsten sunk down to sit on the chair, and somehow suddenly felt better. She had her sister, and Julie was surprisingly being supportive, and she didn't feel quite so alone.

"I'm going to kill him," were the first words out of Hailey's mouth. "How could he do this to you?"

"I don't know," Kirsten said sadly.

"What are you going to do?"

"I don't know," Kirsten repeated.

"Have you told Dad?"

"No," Kirsten said. "I don't want to tell him until I know what I'm going to do."

"He'll kill him."

"I know that. And as angry as I am at him, I don't want him to die."

"Understandable." Hailey was quiet on the other end for a minute letting the information sink in. Her brother-in-law worshiped her sister. They were perfect for each other. Sandy slept with someone else. It was unbelievable. "I'm going to book a flight home."

"What? No, Hailey, it's fine, I'm fine."

"Kirsten, please let me come home."

"Hailey…"

"You are not fine, so don't even pretend to be," Hailey told her older sister. "I know that you aren't fine. I know that you are falling apart. Let me come home. Let me help you."

"I just don't know what to do…do I forgive him?" Kirsten had been struggling with that question since he had told her, and she still wasn't any closer to the answer.

"I don't know sweetie," Hailey said. "That's up to you."

"I want to forgive him, and at the same time, I don't. Is that strange?"

"No. You love him." And that was what it always came back to for Kirsten. She did love him. She loved him more than anything else in the world, and as hard as it was for her to imagine forgiving him, it was even harder to imagine not being with him.

"I do," Kirsten replied softly.

"I'm coming home," Hailey repeated. Kirsten didn't argue this time. It would be good to see her sister. She missed her.

"Okay."

"I love you," Hailey told her older sister. "And everything's going to be okay." It was quite the role reversal, Hailey being the adult, and having to tell Kirsten that things were going to be all right.

"I love you too," Kirsten replied. "Be careful."

"I will. I'll see you soon." Kirsten hung up the phone and stepped out into the living room. She could hear the television in the other room, and Seth gleefully telling Ryan that he sucked, and she knew that they were playing a video game. She went to the kitchen to begin to clean up the dishes from dinner to find that the boys had already done that.

"Hey, Kirsten?" Ryan had looked up to see Kirsten standing looking slightly lost in the kitchen. "You want to play?" He offered up his controller and Kirsten nodded and smiled slightly and Seth scooted over to let her sit.

"So what do I do?"

"Hit XOXO, it's an unbeatable combination," Seth explained. By the end of the first round, Kirsten was actually laughing, and Seth and Ryan exchanged a grin over her head. It was nice to hear her laughing, it was nice to see her smile, and for the first time it dawned on both the boys. If Sandy and Kirsten did divorce, they would be okay. They would stay with Kirsten and she would eventually be okay. It would be hard at first, on all of them, sure, and both boys were praying that Kirsten and Sandy would work things out, but if the worst happened, it wasn't as terrifying a prospect anymore.

"Thanks for this," she said to Ryan as she slipped an arm around him and gave him a lopsided hug.

No matter what happened, they would be fine.

* * *

Okay, so let me know what you thought of this chapter. Back to studying for me. So make me feel better, and review! 


	6. It might be my only right

See, I was quick with this one! I think because its finals week and I just don't want to study. I've come to determine that finals are the tool of the devil. And I killed a bunch of brain cells this past weekend that I really could use right now…nuts. I'm so close to the point of giving up and never studying for anything ever again. Good plan right? Who's with me! No more studying! Ever again! I'd be content to live in a box, or sponge off my parents if it meant no more of this crap. Anyway, make me feel better. Review please!

Disclaimer: I unfortunately own neither the song or the characters. If I did, do you think I would be studying US History right now? I doubt it.

* * *

_Maybe I'll sleep inside my coat_

_And wait on your porch until you come back home_

_Oh, right, I can't find a flight_

_So I'll check the weather wherever you are_

_Cause I want to know if you can see the stars tonight_

_It might be my only right_

* * *

"What are you going to do?" Julie asked as she and Kirsten sat on the Cohen's patio staring out at the ocean the next evening. "Have you decided yet?" Kirsten shook her head.

"No, not yet," she said. "I just…I'm so confused."

"Sandy wants to get back together I'm assuming?" Kirsten nodded.

"But he keeps telling me that I can take as much time as I want. That we'll do whatever I want…" She sighed. "But I know that I'm just…I have to make up my mind right? I mean, it's like for the time being, everything's just stopped. Waiting…life is on hold, you know? And it can't stay like that forever. I need to decide. I need to figure out if I can forgive him, or if…or if I can't…" Kirsten knew that she needed to make her mind. After her cry with Sandy in his motel room, she had given herself a time frame. Sandy had told her that there was no pressure on her making a decision, and so she had placed a time limit for herself.

All the time in the world couldn't change what had happened. It was as if she was waiting for someone to invent a time machine so that she could send Sandy back and tell him to not sleep with Rebecca. Tell him to leave the motel room before he slept with Rebecca and come home. Come home to her.

It was time to un-pause life.

She and Julie were quiet for a few minutes. Julie reached over and grabbed a cookie from the pile that Rosa had baked for Kirsten. Rosa didn't know exactly what was going on, but she knew that Sandy was at a motel and that Kirsten was constantly crying. She had baked Kirsten's favorite kind of cookie and left the plate on the table with a note attached that told Kirsten to let her know if she needed anything.

"You sure you don't want one?" Julie asked as she offered Kirsten a piece of the cookie.

"No, I haven't really been feeling all that great all day. I don't think that it would stay down," Kirsten admitted. All the crying had made her sick. But she hadn't started drinking yet. She found herself reaching for the bottles of vodka or wine that they had, and somehow Ryan and Seth would always come in at that point and interrupt her with a question or a request for a ride somewhere. Perfect timing, she thought to herself. She wasn't sure that the alcohol would stay down either. She and her toilet had become great friends since the night that her life fell apart.

"Mom?" Seth's voice floated through the house.

"Out here Seth," Kirsten called back. Seth, Ryan, and the girls came trooping through the house.

"Mom?" Marissa couldn't keep the surprise out of her voice. "What are you doing here?" It wasn't like her mother to be so…compassionate towards others.

"We were just talking," Julie said.

"How are you Mrs. Cohen?" Summer asked, and Kirsten could hear the pity in her voice. She had assumed that Seth would tell Summer about what was happening with his parents, but she still didn't want to be pitied, by anyone, including her son's girlfriend.

"I'm okay, Summer, thank you for asking," Kirsten plastered on a fake smile. She was perfecting the fake smiles.

"We just wanted to say goodbye," Seth said. "We'll be back later."

"On time?" Kirsten asked. Seth nodded.

"Well within the curfew boundaries," he assured his mother. He leaned down and to her surprise, gave her a hug.

"I love you, be careful," she told both boys as they disappeared back into the house.

"Has he called you today?" Julie asked. Kirsten didn't need to ask who. It was the same person who had dominated her thoughts for days now.

"Yes. He called and reminded me that he loves me and that he would never hurt me again," Kirsten said.

"Do you believe him?" Julie asked.

"I want to," Kirsten replied. She wanted so badly to just forgive Sandy and let him move back in. She wanted to move on and forget about this. She wanted to forget about what he had done, forget about Rebecca. But she didn't know how.

Her plan for un-pausing life was not working out so well.

* * *

Sandy finally dragged himself to his office that day and opened the door to find Rebecca sitting on the couch.

"What are you doing here?" He asked. His voice was cold and it surprised her.

"We need to talk," Rebecca said.

"There's nothing to talk about," Sandy said. "It was a mistake."

"I love you Sandy," Rebecca said suddenly. "I always have. If I could go back and change it so that I never would have left, I would in a heartbeat. I should have never given you up." Sandy shook his head.

"But you did, and I moved on. I married Kirsten, and we started a family, and I should have never put that in jeopardy. I should have never slept with you. It was a mistake, and one that hurt Kirsten. That was the last thing I ever wanted to do." He paused and looked up at Rebecca, he knew what he was going to say was going to hurt her, but it needed to be said. He needed to say it. "If we could go back in time, I wouldn't change a thing." He knew the past couple of weeks he had constantly been placing Rebecca before Kirsten. For what reason? He loved Kirsten more than he had ever loved Rebecca. He loved Kirsten more than anything.

Rebecca wasn't the love of his life. Kirsten was. And now he was going to lose her, because he was an asshole. That was the only explanation for it. He was a total and complete asshole.

Rebecca stood there quietly for a moment.

"I'm sorry," she said finally. "I shouldn't have come back here. I shouldn't have called you…I shouldn't have…I guess I just figured that you had to feel the same way about me that I did about you. But clearly…you don't." She gathered up her things and started towards the door before turning around. "I hope that you and your wife can work things out." With that she was gone, and Sandy was left alone in his office. He looked over at his desk at the pictures sitting there.

Pictures of his family.

Pictures of his wife.

Grabbing one of Kirsten he sat down and studied. Studied her face, and her smile and wondered what he would have to do in order to get her back.

* * *

"Hailey!" Kirsten's face broke into a smile when she saw her sister. Hailey wrapped her arms around Kirsten and hugged her tightly.

"How are you doing?" She asked. Kirsten shrugged and fought off the tears, and avoided the question.

"I'm so glad to see you," Kirsten answered instead. "I've missed you!" Kirsten and Hailey had grown closer over last summer when Ryan and Seth were gone and she was falling apart.

"I've missed you too," Hailey replied. "You never answered my question."

"That's because I'm avoiding it," Kirsten said. "Why don't we get you settled and then we can do some serious talking?"

"Sounds great," Hailey replied as she and Kirsten lugged her bag up the stairs to one of the guest bedrooms.

"Unpack and I'll make us some tea," Kirsten said and went back downstairs to the kitchen. The phone rang as she was waiting for Hailey and she picked it up.

"Hello?"

"Kirsten," it was Sandy. She didn't have an answer for him yet, but it was the first of his daily phone calls to remind her that he loved her and would do anything to get her back.

"Hi Sandy," she replied as she placed the water on the stove to boil.

"How are you today?" It was the same conversation every time. And Kirsten answered back with the same answer.

"I'm okay. I don't know Sandy."

"Okay."

"I should know, but I don't. And I don't know when I'll know."

"That's okay." She was amazed that he was being so understanding about her needing more time. She had to admit that if it had been the other way around, she would be waiting impatiently for an answer. But he wasn't. Or at least, he wasn't letting it known that she was killing him by taking so much time.

"Okay." She knew that she would have to make up her mind soon. There was something that she wasn't telling Sandy. Something that would make a difference. Something that would make things more complicated than they already were if that was at all possible.

"I love you. And I'm sorry." The conversation ended like this every single time. I love you. I'm sorry.

I love you

I'm sorry.

Sandy apparently was a firm believer in repetition. Saying things a thousand times would change Kirsten's mind.

And Kirsten hated to admit it, but it was working. As soon as she hung up the phone, Hailey stepped into the kitchen.

"Who was that?" Kirsten sighed.

"Sandy…How was your flight?" Kirsten didn't want to talk about Sandy yet. She wanted mindless small talk.

"It was long," Hailey complained.

"Are you hungry?"

"Are you cooking?"

"No."

"Then yes." Kirsten threw a dish towel at her sister.

"Want to order in or eat out?" Kirsten asked. Hailey knew that Kirsten was leaning towards going out to eat, because it would be much harder to have a serious conversation in a restaurant. Kirsten was the queen of avoidance.

"Let's order in," Hailey suggested. She saw a look of fear flit across her sister's face and it was gone as quickly as it had come.

"Oh," Kirsten said pasting on a smile. "Great. What do you want to order?" Kirsten busied herself by getting the menus out of the drawer. She spread them out on the counter, and refused to make eye contact with Hailey.

"What's the matter?" Hailey asked. "I mean besides the obvious."

"It's just Sandy," Kirsten lied. Hailey narrowed her eyes at her sister.

"No, it's more than that." Hailey racked her brain for something that could be wrong. "Did you tell Dad about you and Sandy?" Kirsten shook her head, as a few tears escaped and slipped down her cheeks.

"No, not yet," Kirsten said. "I'm still trying to figure out how to tell him."

"Then what is it?" Hailey asked. Kirsten gripped the counter and finally took a deep breath and looked up at her sister.

"I'm pregnant."

* * *

Uh-oh spaghetti-o! I just really like that phrase. All right, you know what you have to do. Hit that little button down there and review. I, on the other hand, have to go back to learning about stupid-o US history. Why did I think it was a good idea to be a history major? Things that I think are a good idea usually never are. Such as the shots that capped off my evening on Saturday. Someone should have stopped me. Anyway, I'm rambling. Review please! 


	7. Don't let me get away

Sorry for the wait. I had finals, and then I had to move back home, and I was amazed about how much crap I had accumulated over the course of the year. I don't know how it fit in my apartment at school, or where I'm going to put it now that I'm home. But anyway, I digress. Enjoy this chapter and kindly review! Thanks!

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters.

* * *

"You're what?" Hailey's mouth dropped open and she stared at her older sister wondering how she wasn't just completely falling apart at this moment.

"I'm pregnant," Kirsten said softly. "I kept throwing up and wasn't feeling very well, and I just thought it might be stress, but I went to the doctor's yesterday and they confirmed it. I'm almost seven weeks pregnant." Hailey shook her head. As if Kirsten didn't have enough on her plate already.

"What are you going to do?" Hailey asked.

"I'm going to keep the baby," Kirsten said. "But it adds a whole new complication…Sandy will…he's going to be insistent that he be involved, and I mean, he should be right? It's his child too, but I still don't know if I'm ready to forgive him…and does it make me a terrible person if I'm not willing to give it another shot for my child?" The tears started falling again and Hailey quickly reached over and pulled her sister in.

"When are you going to tell him?"

"I guess I have to tell him soon," Kirsten said. "He'll want to be there every step of the way just like with Seth." Seth. She would have to tell Seth and Ryan. She was going to have another baby.

She was so worried and preoccupied with telling Sandy and what to do about their marriage that she hadn't even begun to think about the fact that she was going to have another baby. She had always wanted another baby. Maybe a little girl this time. She had loved being pregnant the first time.

But she had been so excited about sharing it with Sandy the first time. This time all she could be consumed with was if she was making the right choice. If she went back to him, she would always wonder if it was because of the baby and if she didn't she would always feel guilty that she was hurting her son or daughter.

She was so confused.

"I don't know what to do," Kirsten admitted to her sister, who pulled her into her arms and held her there.

"Take some more time," Hailey suggested. "There's no rush." She paused. "Well, you don't have all the time in the world, Sandy's going to figure that you're pregnant eventually." Kirsten had to give a small smile at this. She was pregnant. She had never been this excited, confused, and terrified at the same time. With Seth she had been young, and nervous, but not this scared. Not this confused.

"I guess," Kirsten said nervously biting her lip. She began to twist her rings around her finger, a sure sign that she was doing some heavy-duty thinking.

"Want some alone time?" She asked.

"Yes, that would be great," Kirsten said smiling at her sister. Before Hailey left, she stopped by Kirsten's side and grabbed her hand.

"Hey Kirsten?" Kirsten turned her head to look at Hailey.

"Yeah?"

"Congratulations."

* * *

The phone rang at Sandy's office and he reached over and grabbed it.

"Hello?"

"Sandy?" He was surprised to hear Hailey's voice and it showed.

"Hailey?" The old Hailey wouldn't have even called to know that her sister was having problems, this new Hailey had jumped on the first flight home and was there for her sister. Sandy was relieved to know that at least someone was there for her. All he wanted was for Kirsten to be happy.

And if that meant not being with him, well, then he would find someway to deal with it.

"Sandy, you need to come down to the hospital." Sandy's heart skipped a beat. Kirsten. What was the matter with Kirsten? He knew instinctively that it was Kirsten. Had it been either of the boys, Kirsten would have called him.

"Kirsten," it wasn't a question.

"She's okay, she just…you need to come down here," Hailey said.

"I'm coming…I'm on my way…I'll be there in a few minutes, tell her I love her. Tell her I'm sorry. Tell her that I…I'll be right there," Sandy said flustered as he grabbed his jacket and keys and ran out of his office pausing only to lock the door behind him.

When he got to the hospital, he ran in straight to the desk.

"My wife. Kirsten Cohen…is she okay? Where is she? What happened?"

"Sandy," Hailey's voice interrupted him and he spun around to face his sister-in-law.

"Where is she? Can I see her? Will she see me?" He was afraid that Kirsten would forbid him in the room with her, and he wanted to be there. Whatever the matter was, he wanted to be there with her. Was she sick?

Oh God, what if she was sick. He would be there for her, even if she fought him on it. What if she had been in a car accident? Was she okay? Hailey said that she was okay, right? But what constituted okay? Being alive?

"Yes, come with me," Hailey said taking his hand and leading him towards Kirsten's room. "She's okay, and the baby's okay." Sandy stopped at the word baby. Baby. They were going to have another baby?

"She's...she's pregnant?" Sandy asked in a small voice. She was pregnant.

"Yes, and I guess with all the stress, she started having some stomach pains at the office, and Dad rushed her down here, but it was just a scare, and they're both okay," Hailey reminded him. God, if Kirsten would have lost the baby, she would have never forgiven him. He would have never forgiven himself.

"Can I see her?"

"Yeah, Dad's in there with her now. She's resting. She has to take it easy. They said that it's a high risk pregnancy." They reached the door and Sandy looked in and saw his beautiful wife lying in the bed. She looked so pale, and Caleb was gripping her hand and talking to her quietly. Had she known that she was pregnant? How long had she known?

"Does…um, does Caleb know about…" Maybe Hailey didn't know. Of course she knew, Sandy mentally hit himself in the forehead.

"No, he doesn't know about you and Rebecca," Hailey said. "Kirsten didn't want to tell him, or anyone, until the two of you had figured out what you were going to do." Sandy nodded, relieved that he wouldn't have to worry about Caleb killing him. He could focus his worry on his wife and baby.

Baby. They were going to have another baby.

Then he remembered the situation that they were in. The situation that he had placed them in.

Would she allow him to be a part of the baby's life? She had to right? Even if she didn't want to give their marriage another shot, surely she wouldn't take the baby away from him? She wasn't that cruel.

Sandy turned the door and entered the hospital room. It might have been his imagination, but he thought he saw a look of relief pass over Kirsten's face.

"Sanford," Caleb said nodding, and standing up to let Sandy have the place of honor next to Kirsten.

"Hi," he said softly.

"Hi," Kirsten replied just as softly. He stepped over to where Caleb had been and sat down tentatively taking her hand.

"Come on Dad, let's go check out the food situation here," Hailey said taking her father's elbow and guiding him out of the room.

"Are you okay?" Sandy asked.

"You know about the baby, I'm assuming," Kirsten said.

"Yes." She shrugged at the question.

"Truth?" She turned her face away from him. "I'm terrified. I almost lost the baby today, and I'm scared to go through this alone. I don't want to go through this alone.""I don't want you to go through it alone either," Sandy said leaning closer to her. "God, when Hailey called. My heart stopped. I can't do this without you Kirsten. I can't do anything without you." She finally turned back to face him and there was a track of fresh tears down her cheeks.

"I'm not sure about us still Sandy," Kirsten said. "But I mean…this changes things."

"Yes," he agreed. That was the understatement of the century. It didn't just change things. It changed everything.

"I think…I mean, I want you to be involved with the baby, of course," she said and Sandy breathed a silent sigh of relief. "And I think…well, I think I want to give us another chance." Sandy felt like jumping up and down, and he settled for a smile. "I mean, maybe on a temporary basis?" The word temporary worried Sandy, but he would take whatever he could get at this point. If she wanted to test the waters, they could test the waters. That was fine by him. He would take her whatever way he could have her.

Them. Her and the baby. He would take them whatever way he could have them.

They were going to have another baby. They had always wanted another baby. They would have to tell the boys. He wondered if they would forgive him.

Sandy leaned down and did what he had wanted to all week, he gave Kirsten a kiss on the cheek.

"I love you," he whispered. She didn't return it, but she gave him a small smile and he leaned in to hug her. As he hugged her, she bit her lip nervously.

Was she doing the right thing?

* * *

Seth and Ryan arrived home to an empty house. Which wasn't rare, but the note on that Hailey had scribbled on the counter was.

"Had to take your mom to the hospital. Meet us there. Love, Hailey," Seth read out loud. His face turned pale as he turned to Ryan.

"Call Summer," Ryan instructed. Seth nodded numbly and grabbed the phone.

"Didn't I just drop you off? Miss me already?" Summer teased.

"Summer, can you come back and take us to the hospital?" Seth asked.

"The hospital? What's wrong Cohen? Are you okay? Is Chino okay?" Summer made a sharp, probably illegal, U-turn and started back towards the Cohen's.

"It's my mom," Seth said. "I don't know…I mean, I don't know what's wrong. I just…"

"I'm coming," Summer said. "I'll be there in a couple minutes." She pulled up a minute later and Seth and Ryan jumped in and they sped towards HOAG.

"Dad!" Seth spotted his father closing the door to a room down the hall as soon as they ran in. Sandy turned and saw his sons rushing towards him. Summer had gone to park the car.

"Where's Mom? How's Mom? What happened? Is she okay?" Seth was slightly breathless as he struggled to get all of his questions out.

"She's okay," Sandy said. "Why don't you come in? We need to talk to you guys." They opened the door and Kirsten was in bed, with her eyes shut.

"Hey guys," she said as soon as she heard the door shut. Seth rushed to her and grabbed her hand.

"What happened? Are you okay?" Ryan hung back slightly, waiting for the okay to go touch her.

"I'm okay," Kirsten assured them. "I'm…" She looked at Sandy who nodded. "I'm pregnant."

"You're pregnant?" Seth asked. Kirsten nodded, and couldn't help the grin that started to cross her face. "Uh…congratulations?" Kirsten nodded, and Seth leaned down to give her a hug.

"Congratulations," Ryan said softly, finally giving her a hug.

"Thank you," she replied.

"And you and…" Seth trailed off wondering if he should bring up his parents' relationship. His mother had been insistent that they would tell him and Ryan when they were ready. Had he just overstepped his boundaries again? He really had to learn how to control that.

"We're going to try again…at least, give for a little while. See how it goes, take things slowly," Kirsten replied. The room was silent for a moment while the boys took the information in.

"Okay," Ryan finally spoke up. There was a knock on the door and Summer peeked her head in.

"Hi, sorry to interrupt, I just wanted to make sure that you were okay," she explained.

"Summer drove us down here," Seth said.

"Well, thank you for driving them," Kirsten said giving Summer a smile.

"No problem…are you okay?" Kirsten nodded.

"I'm going to be fine, I'm...just a little stressed out," Kirsten wasn't sure if they were ready to tell everyone yet. She wasn't ready to tell everyone yet. Summer nodded and crossed to give her a hug.

"I'm going to go then," Summer said.

"I'll walk you out," Seth offered. He leaned down and placed a kiss on his mother's forehead. "I'll be right back, Mom."

"Okay, sweetheart," Kirsten replied. She was amazed at how mature Seth was being about everything. He would be a wonderful older brother.

He was going to be an older brother. She was still trying to wrap her mind around it.

"I guess I'll leave you guys alone then," Ryan said. He didn't know if Kirsten and Sandy wanted to be alone, or just with Seth. This might be a family thing. And while they always said that he was a part of the family, he had to wonder.

"You don't have to," Sandy said.

"But this is kind of a family thing," Ryan started.

"And you are family," Kirsten interrupted. She patted the bed next to her, and Ryan took a seat. Family. They were his family. Sandy was hanging back slightly this time, not sure exactly of their relationship. They were taking it slow, but did that mean that he couldn't hold Kirsten's hand? Did that mean that he couldn't kiss her? Would he sleep in their bedroom when they brought her home? Or would she want him in a guest bedroom, at least for the time being?

And he hated himself for what he had done. He hated that his wife was pregnant when he slept with Rebecca. He hated that he would never know if she was giving him a second chance because he had earned it, or because she wanted to give them a second chance, or because she was terrified of raising their child alone.

But he had her. And that was all that mattered. He had her, and their child, and he would work on Seth and Ryan. He would work for all of their forgiveness. He would make sure that he was there for her every step of the way. He would make sure that he never let her down again. That he never hurt her again. He would make sure that she never doubted that she had made the right choice about taking him back.

* * *

Okay, so sorry again about the wait. Please review, and I promise that the next chapter won't take nearly as long. Thanks! 


	8. Two wrongs make it all alright

So the Kirsten car accident thing? Was it in the previews? Cause I hadn't seen any previews for the second episode tonight, and just have to say that I totally called it. Like from the beginning of the show, and my boyfriend claims that it doesn't count because I said, "I bet they do something crazy like have her crash her car while drinking and driving." His claim is that I never _actually_ said that was _actually_ what they were going to do, and so it doesn't count as calling it. I told him that he was being a stupid boy, and of course it counts. But anyway, I'm rambling, I just had to plead my case. Anyway, here's the next chapter. Please review (and let me know if you think I am right...I need back up).

Disclaimer: Oh right, so the characters are not mine.

* * *

When Sandy stepped back into his house with Kirsten's overnight bag in one hand, and the other hand wrapped around his wife's waist guiding her gently in, he was amazed that the house could feel so different and look exactly the same as when he left it. Hailey was on the other side of Kirsten, holding her other hand, and they led her up to her bedroom.

"This is unnecessary," Kirsten argued. "He didn't say bed rest. He just said to be careful. Cut on the stress, and try to rest a little more."

"Hey, I don't care," Hailey spoke up first. "You aren't to move until I tell you that you are allowed. A couple more days of rest can only help you right?" Kirsten knew better than to argue, and just let herself be tucked into bed.

"Do you need anything?" Seth spoke up. He and Ryan had been following his parents and aunt close behind as they took Kirsten upstairs. "A glass of water? A book? Some CD's perhaps? Or we can move a television in here and bring your favorite movies?"

"That would be nice," Kirsten said nodding, not really caring whether or not they brought a television in her bedroom, but she knew that it would make both Ryan and Seth feel like they were doing something, anything, to help her and she wanted to give them that at least. They scurried out of the bedroom, and a few minutes later their argument about what her favorite movie was drifted up the stairs, and she smiled slightly. Sandy stood back, watching as Hailey got her settled in, his hands stuffed in his pockets. He wasn't sure what he was supposed to do, where he was supposed to go. He hated that feeling. He had never felt like that before, especially never when it concerned Kirsten.

"I'll go get you some juice," Hailey said and she closed the door lightly behind her as she left.

"How are you feeling?" Sandy asked.

"You just asked me that like four and half minutes ago, and four and a half minutes before that," Kirsten said giving him a smile. "I'm feeling better."

"Good," Sandy nodded and looked around the room. It was his bedroom, and yet, he didn't feel like he belonged in it. She hadn't taken any of their photos down. The only one missing was the one that he had taken with him to the motel. He would have to bring it back. Put it in its rightful spot.

"Sandy, you can come closer than that," Kirsten said softly. "We need to talk about things anyway."

"Are you sure you want to talk now? I don't want to upset you anymore, maybe we could just wait until tomorrow?"

"I'm sure," Kirsten said. "We need to figure this out. We need to lay some groundwork for this new…phase of our relationship." Phase. That was a nice way to put it, Sandy thought. What it really was Sandy trying desperately to fix their relationship so that he didn't lose his wife and baby. Taking it slow. He and Kirsten had never taken it slow. Their entire relationship had been on the fast track since the first day that they met. They got married after three months, and Kirsten got pregnant with Seth a month after their wedding. They had been young, and in love, and not willing to waste any time. That had set the precedent and from that point on there was no slowing down.

Not until that past summer at least.

Sandy wasn't stupid enough to know that he and Kirsten had been drifting apart since the summer they had spent together. Alone. With no Seth or Ryan. They had changed. He had changed, and she had certainly changed. And he hadn't wanted to admit it, but they had never fixed what had been wrong that summer. He meant to make time to sit down and talk about it, but one thing happened after another and they had moved on, and almost forgotten about their problems over the summer.

And then Rebecca came along. And their slowly unraveling relationship seemed to speed up and start falling apart faster then they could put it back together.

"Well, slow. You want to take it slow. But what exactly does that mean?" Sandy asked. Kirsten paused, and twisted her wedding ring around her finger.

"I mean…obviously you are going to move back into the house," Kirsten said.

"Back into our bedroom, or a guest room? Because whatever you want is okay," Sandy told her.

"Our bedroom." Sandy was surprised that she wanted him back in their bedroom. The house, yes, but their bedroom? He thought that he would have to work his way to that. As if she could sense his surprise, though he tried to hide it, she quickly added, "I miss you. I miss having you here."

"I miss you. I miss you so much," Sandy said grabbing her and holding her tightly to him. He took a deep breath and breathed in the scent of her hair. He couldn't believe that he had risked this.

Slowly, Kirsten pulled away and took his hand.

"It's going to take some time," she reminded him. "I mean…I can't forgive and forget. That's not me, you know that's not me. But I'm going to try to forgive…" She was interrupted by saying anything else by the door opening and Seth and Ryan carrying in a television and a stack of movies.

"Hey, where should we put it?" Ryan asked. Sandy jumped off the bed and cleared off a spot on the top of his dresser.

"We brought you all your favorite movies, plus a few that I believe that you need to watch," Seth said handing his mother the stack of movies. "Because seriously Mom, _When Harry Met Sally_?_ An Affair to Remember_?_ Casablanca_? Could you be any more of a romantic girl?" Kirsten laughed and shook her head.

"No I guess not," she told him. "Why don't you pick a movie and we can all watch it?"

"Sure," Ryan said shrugging and flipping through the stack. "How about this one?" He held up a movie, and Seth shook his head vehemently and grabbed the stack.

"No dude, she'll cry at the end of that one," Seth said. "Trust me, every time, she cries." He walked over to the television and finished setting it up and put a movie in. Sandy sat down next to Kirsten, and Ryan pulled up a chair and placed his feet on the bed. Hailey came back with Kirsten's juice, and despite an invitation to join them, left to meet some friends. Seth threw himself on the bottom of the bed, and stretched out.

"Prepare to be amazed," he told his parents and brother.

As the movie progressed, Sandy looked to his left to find that his wife was fast asleep. Ryan was dozing off himself, and Seth had switched positions and was the only one still watching the movie attentively. There was no way to describe how much he would have missed this. Just simply being with his family.

Placing a hand on Kirsten's stomach, he smiled slightly and felt his own eyes droop. It had been a long few days, and he was just happy to be home.

* * *

When Sandy woke up again, Ryan and Seth had left the bedroom, and Kirsten was still fast asleep next to him. He climbed out of the bed and headed downstairs. Ryan and Seth had ordered pizza and were eating and laughing when he walked in.

"Hey Dad," Seth said. Seth hadn't forgiven him yet, and while he wasn't exactly being cold to him, he wasn't exactly being very warm either.

"Hey kid," Sandy said. "Can I steal a piece? I'm starving."

"Sure," Ryan answered. "Should we take a piece up to Kirsten?"

"She's fast asleep," Sandy said. "We'll just save her a piece and take it up later." Ryan and Seth nodded, and the three fell into an uncomfortable silence, something that Ryan could honestly say had never happened when he was in the company of Seth and Sandy. The two could usually banter about everything and nothing for hours on end.

"Is she going back to work?" Ryan finally spoke up, trying to fill up the awkward silence.

"Probably, but Caleb is going to cut back on the amount of work that he normally gives her," Sandy said. "She's not going to have to be bed-ridden, she just has to take it easy and try to remain as stress free as possible."

"That's going to be awfully hard considering," Seth said, then as if he remembered who he was talking to, snapped his head and his eye widened.

"I'm sorry," Sandy said. He had apologized to Kirsten a thousand times, and he had apologized to the boys, but he didn't think that he could ever say those words enough times to make up for what he did. "For everything." Neither Ryan nor Seth responded to the apology. And another awkward silence fell over top of them.

"Should one of us go check on her?" Seth asked.

"I'll go," Ryan replied jumping off the stool and grabbing a plate and placing a piece of pizza. "I'll see if she's awake and hungry." Seth wished he had been a little faster. He had suggested it with the entire point of being able to leave the kitchen and not have to talk to his father anymore. It killed him because he had always looked up to his father. His father had been his hero ever since he was little. The one who always came in and saved the day. Always.

Seth didn't know if he was hurt more by what his father did, or by the fact that his father wasn't who he wanted him to be. Who Seth thought he was. Sandy Cohen was human and he made mistakes. It was a frightening fact for Seth to swallow.

"While your mother is sleeping, I'm going to run to the motel and pick up my things," Sandy broke the silence.

"You're moving back in?" Seth asked.

"Yes."

"Was that your idea or Mom's?"

"Your mother's."

"Oh." Seth turned his attention back to his slice of pizza. "Okay." Sandy stood there for another moment, before grabbing his car keys and leaving the house. He hated that his son wouldn't talk to him anymore. He hated what happened and wished more than anything else that he could take it back. He would take it back in a heartbeat if he could.

Sandy pulled up to the motel and packed up his things quickly. He wanted to get back to the house, back to Kirsten, as quickly as possible. If he had his way, he would never actually let her out of his sights ever again. And he was going to make sure that she took it easy. That she took care of herself, and the baby.

A baby. God, he would owe that baby everything. He still wasn't sure if Kirsten would have taken him back if it weren't for the baby, but he knew that the baby certainly pushed her to make a quick decision.

Sandy hoped that it was going to be a girl. A little girl with Kirsten's blonde hair, and her smile, and her eyes. A little girl who looked exactly like his beautiful wife. That was what he wanted. Not that he wouldn't love the baby if it was another boy, but he wanted a girl.

When he arrived back home, Ryan and Seth were no where to be seen, and Kirsten was still sleeping. He placed the bag down by his dresser, vowing to unpack later. But all he wanted right then was to hold Kirsten in his arms again. And so he changed into a pair of sweatpants a t-shirt and crawled in next to his wife, and held her as tightly as he could.

* * *

Okay, so please review and let me know if you still are interested in it. I can't freaking wait until the next episode, and then the season finale is on my birthday! It's like the best birthday present ever. Okay, I'm done. Please review! 


	9. I wanna know if you can see the stars

Okay, here's the next chapter. Let me know what you thought about it. And thank you so much for reviewing, you guys totally rock my socks.

Disclaimer: The characters are not mine.

* * *

"My doctor's appointment is Thursday, did you want to come?" Kirsten asked Sandy the next morning. Caleb had insisted that she take off the rest of the week, and so she was still in bed curled up with a book. Sandy was almost done getting dressed. As he fixed his tie, he turned around to face her. He hated that she had to ask if he wanted to come. Pre-Rebecca, Kirsten would have just told him that he was coming and leave little room to argue with her. Not that he wanted to argue with her, he wanted to be there. He wanted to be there every step of the way.

"I'd love to come, if that's okay with you?" Kirsten nodded. Sandy pulled on his jacket and was torn between going to give her a kiss goodbye, and wondering if that was overstepping his boundaries.

Screw boundaries, he thought to himself. He crossed the room and leaned down and placed a small kiss on the top of her head.

"Get some rest today," he said softly. She watched him walk out of their bedroom and let out a sight. To say that things were awkward between them, and that it would take awhile to get back to normal would be an understatement. She wasn't sure if they would ever go back to normal. Would they ever be truly happy again?

Sighing, she threw her legs over the side of the bed and headed down to the kitchen to make herself some breakfast. Seth and Ryan hadn't left for school yet and were standing at the counter drinking coffee and reading the paper.

"Morning Kirsten," Ryan said glancing up and giving her a smile.

"Hey Mom, how are you feeling?" Seth asked.

"Better," she told him opening the refrigerator and pulling out the apple juice. She gave Ryan's arm a squeeze as she passed on her way to grab a glass. "Why don't you boys take my car to school today?"

"Really?" Seth asked.

"Sure, I'm not going anywhere today," Kirsten said shrugging.

"Besides," Hailey said as she came into the kitchen. "I'll be her chauffer today."

"Great," Ryan said as Kirsten grabbed the keys from her purse on the counter and handed it to him. "Thanks."

"I think she meant to give those to me," Seth said holding out his hand to take the keys.

"No, I really don't," Ryan replied with a grin holding tightly to the keys. "We better go. Thanks again Kirsten. Take it easy today."

"Have a good day guys," Hailey called and Kirsten laughed as she heard Seth argue all the way out the door that he should be able to drive. Hailey turned her attention back to her sister. "How are you feeling?" Kirsten had a feeling that she was going to hear that question for at least the next seven months, and she was already sick of it.

"Okay," Kirsten shrugged. "I mean, I kind of feel like my husband cheated on me, I found out I was pregnant, I almost lost the baby, I let my husband move back in, and now neither of us are willing to talk about what happened, preferring to pretend that it never happened, which it did and we both remember that every time we see one another, and so it's…."

"Awkward?" Hailey supplied.

"To put it simply, yes," Kirsten said.

"Well, then I think you are doing fantastically. Because that's hard for anyone to deal with." No kidding, Kirsten thought bitterly. Every time she closed her eyes she saw Sandy with Rebecca. She saw him running his hands through her dark hair, and she saw him kissing Rebecca in all of the places that were supposed to be reserved only for her. She was the only one that he was supposed to hold closely, supposed to touch, supposed to make love to. It killed her that he had done it with someone else.

Kirsten shook the thoughts out of her head. The doctor had told her not to get too worked up. Easier said than done, sure, but it would destroy her if she lost this baby. Kirsten took a deep breath and let it out, and gave her sister a small smile.

"When are you going back to Japan?" She asked. Hailey shrugged.

"I guess I should get back soon, but I wanted to make sure that you were okay before I left," Hailey explained. "And of course I'll be back in seven months to see the new baby." Kirsten couldn't help but grin. "Oh! That's what we should do today!"

"What?" Kirsten asked confused.

"We should start baby shopping."

"Don't you think that it's a little early to start shopping?" Kirsten questioned. But she couldn't help but feel excited about the prospect of going baby shopping. Buying tiny little outfits and those itsy bitsy little shoes that she had loved picking out for Seth.

"It's never too early to start shopping," Hailey scoffed. "Are you going to find out if it's a boy or a girl?" It had been a surprise with Seth, and Kirsten had to admit she had been slightly disappointed. She had really wanted a girl, but she had fallen in love with her tiny baby boy the moment that she laid eyes on him. The surprise had been one of the best parts about being pregnant. But she was older now, and she wanted to be able to prepare. Pick out the perfect name, and decorate the nursery perfectly for either a boy or a girl.

"I think so," Kirsten said. "I think I want to know."

"Well, I'd want to know," Hailey confessed. "I mean, I read the last chapter of the book first because I can't stand the suspense. I open Christmas presents weeks early and then rewrap them."

"I thought that's what you did!" Kirsten exclaimed. That explained why her wrapping jobs never seemed as neat when it came to Hailey's present.

"Yeah, well, I was never much one for waiting," Hailey shrugged. "So shopping? What do you think?"

"I think that it's just what I need to get my mind off of everything," Kirsten replied smiling at her sister.

* * *

Four hours and a massive credit card bill later, Kirsten and Hailey plopped down on the couches exhausted.

"So much for resting today," Kirsten said laughing.

"I'm such a terrible influence," Hailey told her. "But we got some really great things."

"That we did," Kirsten agreed. "And I have the entire rest of the day to rest." She glanced at her watch. It was almost one in the afternoon, which meant that she had two hours before the boys got home from school. And she had heard Ryan say something about hanging out with the girls after school, which gave her a few more hours of peace to herself. "What are you going to do for the rest of the day?" She asked Hailey. Hailey shrugged.

"Maybe lay out by the pool? I didn't really think about it that much." Lying out in the sun poolside with a book sounded like heaven to Kirsten.

"That's a good idea," Kirsten said. "In fact, I'm going to change and join you." Kirsten went upstairs to her bedroom and pulled out her bathing suit. She had started gaining weight, but it was still barely noticeable. She hadn't told many people yet, and she and Hailey had run into one of the Newpsies while shopping, and had lied and said that they were picking up a present for one of Hailey's friends. Taryn had bought the lie, and even went as far as to tell Kirsten that she looked fantastic.

"You're glowing, really," Taryn had said. Then she had winked at Kirsten. "Good night with Sandy I'm guessing?" Kirsten had swallowed the large lump that had formed in her throat and managed to laugh.

"I never kiss and tell," she replied and Taryn had laughed, had Kirsten promise to call her soon so that they could lunch, gave Hailey a small wave, and disappeared. Good night with Sandy. She hadn't one of those in…well, she supposed it would be almost eight weeks. She placed a hand on her stomach. The bathing suit wouldn't fit for very long, she thought to herself with a smile. She grabbed the book she was reading from her nightstand and found Hailey already relaxing in one of the lounge chairs with a drink. When Kirsten sat down, Hailey wordlessly handed her sister a water bottle.

"Thanks," Kirsten said as she settled herself in.

"You comfortable? Do you need anything else?" Hailey asked removing her sunglasses to study her sister.

"I'm fine," Kirsten said enjoying the warmth. She looked out onto the glittering ocean, and sighed in content. These were the times that she wondered how she could have lived anywhere else but Newport. Berkeley schmerkely. Berkeley had nothing on Newport right at that moment. And for the first time in days, she was fine. And she knew that it couldn't stay like this, but she hoped for just the time being that it might be able to. She knew that in a couple of hours, Sandy would come home, and there would be that silence between the two of them. She knew that the boys would come home, and continue to shoot the dirty looks to Sandy that she knew that they thought that neither her nor Sandy saw. She saw them, and she was fairly sure that Sandy did as well. She knew that night she would have to fight back the urge to cry as Sandy climbed into bed next to her. She knew that he would sneak into the bathroom when he thought she was asleep and she would be able to hear the muffled sobs.

But that was hours away, and for the time being, she wanted to pretend that none of it had happened. She wanted to pretend that Rebecca didn't exist, and had never slept with her husband. And as she sipped her water and read her book, for a few hours she got her wish.

* * *

When Sandy got home from work that day, he found Kirsten fast asleep in bed, and Hailey starting dinner.

"Hey," he said placing his briefcase down in the kitchen. "Is she sleeping?"

"Yeah, we went shopping today, and then spent some time poolside," Hailey said.

"How is she?" Sandy asked as he poured himself a glass of water.

"She's good. Happy. I saw her smile today more than I have in a while." Sandy felt guilt wash over him. The reason that his wife wasn't smiling was because of him. This should be one of the happiest times of her life, and instead he knew that she wasn't fully enjoying it, and he hated himself for that.

"You must hate me," Sandy said. With Kirsten in the hospital, he hadn't had a chance to talk to his sister-in-law yet.

"No, if Kirsten doesn't hate you, then I have no reason to hate you either," Hailey told him honestly. "You aren't my favorite person right now, and I don't understand why you did it. You have the most amazing woman in the world as your wife, what else could you possibly want or need?" Hailey had always looked up to her older sister. Growing up all Hailey had heard had been, "Why can't you be more like your sister?" or "Kirsten was never like this." Kirsten was perfect, and though Hailey had rebelled and convinced herself and others that she didn't want to be anything like Kirsten, the truth was that she was always jealous of her. Kirsten was beautiful, and incredibly smart, and loving, and definitely far more selfless and kind than Hailey could ever hope to be. So who could even come close to that? What could this Rebecca chick have that her sister didn't have?

"I know," Sandy said. "She's amazing, and I don't deserve her."

"Not right now, no you don't," Hailey agreed.

"I just…we haven't…we've been having a tough time lately," Sandy admitted. "Since the summer. Since the boys left. We got the boys back, but we never really got our groove, so to speak, back. And Rebecca came along…and I don't know." He paused and looked up at Hailey. "Do you think she's ever going to really forgive me?"

"I don't know," Hailey shrugged. "Truly, honestly forgive you? I'm not sure. I think that she'll at least convince you and everyone else that she has, but I don't know for sure if she ever will actually forgive you." That was what Sandy was afraid of. He would always wonder too, if she really had forgiven him. "Listen, she always forgave our dad, so there's hope for you." Sandy gave a small laugh at that.

"Oh good, I'm being compared to Caleb now," he said. "He doesn't know, does he?" Hailey shook her head.

"Kirsten was afraid he'd kill you."

"He probably would." Sandy didn't doubt that if Caleb found out his ass was grass.

"Dinner's ready, why don't you go get Kirsten?" Hailey suggested. "I'll set the table."

"Okay, thanks Hailey," Sandy said. He walked up the stairs to their bedroom and smiled at the sight of Kirsten curled up on her side. He crossed over to the bed and sat gently on the edge. He ran a hand over her cheek. Leaning down, he gave her a soft kiss on the forehead, and she stirred slightly.

"Hey," he whispered. "Baby, dinner's ready." Kirsten's eyes fluttered opened and she gave him a lazy smile.

"How was work?" She asked.

"Oh it was…work," Sandy gave her a smile back. "How was your day? How are you feeling?"

"My day was fine, Hailey and I went shopping," she gestured to the pile of bags by the table in their bedroom.

"How bad is the credit card bill going to be?" He asked.

"Oh, well, bad," she grinned. "But I got the cutest little things. Hand me those bags." She sat up, and he obliged. For the first time there was very little awkwardness between the two of them. For the first time, they were almost…normal. It was wonderful.

"All yellow?" Sandy asked peering into the bags.

"Some pink," Kirsten confessed. "I really want a girl this time."

"I know, sweetheart, I do too," he leaned over and gave her a kiss. "A beautiful little girl who looks like you." As he leaned in to give her another kiss, Kirsten saw him kissing Rebecca in her head and tried to block the thought. She was having such a good, Rebecca-free day. Kirsten pulled back and Sandy looked confused.

"We should probably go eat," Kirsten said suddenly. She threw her legs over the side of the bed. She was wearing his sweatshirt that smelled like him and was way too big on her. He always loved it when she wore his clothes.

"Yes, eat," Sandy said trying to paste on a smile. The awkwardness returned with a vengeance and he wondered what he had done wrong. He followed her down to the kitchen to find that the boys had gotten home awhile.

"Hey guys," Kirsten said smiling and giving each a kiss on the cheek. "How was school?"

"Eh," Ryan said.

"It was awesome," Seth replied with a grin.

"Awesome?" Kirsten questioned. "I've never heard that reply from you before."

"That's just because he and Summer spent most of the day, sans the time they were in class, making out in the hallways, in the library, outside in the quad, should I continue?" Seth shot Ryan a dirty look and Kirsten suppressed a giggle.

"It just so happens that I aced the history test that I had been worried about for a week, and that was the root of my claim that school was awesome today, and it had nothing to do with this supposed tonsil hockey that you claim to have seen Summer and I partaking in throughout the day," Seth argued.

"Right," Sandy said as sat down at the table. Seth didn't respond. He didn't argue back with his father like he would have two weeks before. Instead he just let the subject drop and turned his attention to his mother. They all felt the shift of the atmosphere and Sandy berated himself for saying anything. Ryan, on the other hand, made a mental note to talk to his pseudo-brother after dinner, and let him know that while he understood where he was coming from, Seth needed to start to drop the humongous grudge that he had against his father, because it was only hurting Kirsten. She had been grinning and now she was focused on cutting her food, and the tension in the air that they all felt certainly wasn't good for her.

"How was your day Mom?"

"It was good, thank you Seth," Kirsten said offering up a small smile. Luckily, Hailey started telling stories about her new job in Japan, and the rest of the meal went by without incident. Kirsten stood, and when she tried to help with the dishes, Ryan snatched them out of her hands.

"Go lie down," he instructed. "Seth is going to help me with the dishes." Kirsten raised an eyebrow at this, and followed instructions. As she left the kitchen she noticed the mail sitting on the counter and picked it up and flipped through.

"Bill, bill, bill," she said placing them down for Sandy to take care of. It was then that she spotted the letter, addressed to her, with no return address. Taking it and leaving the kitchen, she went out on the back patio and opened the letter and her eyes immediately went to the bottom of the page where the signature was.

Sandy saw Kirsten disappear and spotted her sitting staring at the ocean with a strange expression on her face.

"What's the matter honey?" He asked as he stepped outside.

"I got a letter," Kirsten's voice was flat and Sandy moved closer to her.

"From who?" He asked. She simply set the letter on the table and Sandy leaned down to look at it.

"Rebecca."

* * *

So again, press that little button and let me know what you thought, and that would make me so very happy! And you want to make me happy right? I have to miss tonight's episode, and I'm setting up two VCRs to tape it, just in case, and I've been informed that makes me pathetic. Oh well. Anyway, review please! 


	10. Wait on your porch til you come back hom...

So yay! My birthday is two days away! Isn't that exciting! I love my birthday! So today, my friends and I were playing Ultimate Frisbee and it got a little out of control, and I had the Frisbee and my friend Dan was cheating and trying to tackle me for it, and his mouth was open and came down on the top of my head, and now I have the world's worst headache because technically he bit me, and I was terrified that I was going to have to go get stitches cause it was bleeding, and my boyfriend decided it would be funny to mess with me and tell me that I would need stitches and they would need to shave off my hair, and I started crying, and Dan kept apologizing, and bought me ice cream to make it up to me. And I don't know why I told you that, except that it just happened like a couple hours ago and my head still hurts. Anyway, review please! Consider it a birthday present.

Disclaimer: Alas, I don't own any of the characters.

* * *

"Rebecca?" Sandy repeated. What was Rebecca doing writing to Kirsten? What could she possibly have to say to her? This was the last thing that she needed right now. The doctor had said to try to remain stress free. Getting letters from Rebecca was not what he constituted as being stress free. "What does it say?" 

"Kirsten," Kirsten read. "I'm so sorry for what I did and the pain that it caused. I should have never come back there. I should have never called Sandy again, and I should have never let him stay in the motel room that night with me. I wish that there was something that I could do that would make it better for you, for him. I know that he would take it back if he could. I know that he loves you more than he had ever loved me. I'm sorry for what I've done to your family. I never meant to hurt anyone, and it kills me that I've hurt you and your sons, and Sandy. I've hurt you all and you didn't do anything to deserve it…I don't deserve your forgiveness; I just want you to know that I never intended to break up your marriage or your family. I'm just…sorry." Kirsten pushed the piece of paper away after she was done reading it like touching it was physically hurting her.

Sandy picked it up and quickly read over it once again.

"I'm sorry," Sandy said. He felt that was all he ever said lately. Kirsten looked up at him, and shook her head.

"I feel like even when she's gone, she's not gone," Kirsten rose from the table, crossed her arms over her chest and stared out at the ocean. "Sometimes I feel like I'm making the biggest mistake of my life, letting you come back, and sometimes I think I can't survive without you." She turned back around to face him. "I don't know what I'm supposed to do or say, or….I don't know…Tell me what to do Sandy." Kirsten was fighting the urge to cry. She was tired of crying. She was tired of it all. She just wanted to crawl under her covers and only come out when everything was okay again. When her husband hadn't cheated on her, and when the woman that he cheated with wasn't sending her letters apologizing to her. That was what she wanted.

Unfortunately, she was very much aware that she was not going to get what she wanted.

What was Rebecca thinking? That Kirsten would get the letter and just go, oh, okay, she's sorry. She didn't mean to hurt anyone. That makes it all the better. She never meant to hurt anyone, she never meant to break up their marriage. Kirsten wanted to track Rebecca down and scream, "Bull shit! You knew exactly what you were doing! You knew exactly what would happen if you called him. You knew what would happen if you slept with him." She wanted to beat Rebecca until she hurt as much as Kirsten did.

"I don't know either baby," Sandy said sinking down into one of the patio chairs. Kirsten looked past him into the house. She could see both boys on the couch playing a game, and Hailey was on the phone in the kitchen.

"Can you…" Kirsten shook her head. "Can you get rid of the letter? I don't care where you put it, or if you burn it or…I just don't want to see it. I don't want to be reminded of its existence anymore." Sandy nodded and crumbled up the letter.

"You should go lay down," he suggested. It was Kirsten's turn to nod as she took one more look at the crumbled letter in Sandy's hand, before turning and heading towards their bedroom. As soon as she was inside and the door had shut behind her, Sandy let his head drop into his hands. He was starting to think that they would never be okay. That this baby was only delaying the inevitable. He was starting to think that she would never really forgive him. They would never really get back to where they had been before the whole Rebecca mess.

Sandy took the letter back into the house with him and tore it up into tiny pieces and dumped the pieces into the garbage.

"What was that?" Hailey asked as she hung up the phone.

"Oh…it was nothing," Sandy said. "An offer for a credit card bill."

"Oh, okay. So, I got my plane ticket."

"When do you leave?"

"Thursday," Hailey said. Thursday was only a few days away and Hailey had big plans for the two days. She would spend as much time with her sister as she possibly could. They would go to lunch the next day, and maybe a movie, Kirsten could pick. "I guess I should tell Kirsten. Is she upstairs?" Sandy nodded. Hailey disappeared from the kitchen just as Seth walked in to grab a bottle of water for himself and Ryan. He ignored his father as he reached into the refrigerator.

"Seth?" Sandy called out as Seth walked past again. Seth turned around.

"Yeah?" Sandy wanted to ask him what he could do to make it up to him. He wanted to ask him if Seth hated him. If Seth could ever forgive him. But what good would it do? What Seth needed was time. Same with Ryan. It was the same thing that Kirsten needed. The baby unfortunately didn't quite give either of them the time that they needed to cope.

Ryan. Sandy suddenly realized that he had been so busy trying to get Seth and Kirsten to forgive him that he almost forgot about Ryan. Seth was never quiet and so the lack of communication was a huge clue as to how he felt about his father at that moment, but Ryan was always quiet.

Ryan never trusted men. Men always hurt him or his mother. Had Sandy just become another man that couldn't be trusted? He always knew that Ryan looked up to him, in fact, he had always taken a little bit of pride in the fact that he was Ryan's hero. He had been Seth's hero at one point too.

Now what was he? He had ruined that image for both Ryan and Seth. He made a mental note to make it a point to talk to Ryan soon. Seth was still standing waiting impatiently for Sandy to say whatever it was that he had to say.

"Nevermind," Sandy said. "Go enjoy your game." He turned away from Seth and placed both hands on the counter and let out a sigh.

"Dad?" He had thought that Seth would go as soon as his back was turned. That's how it went with them lately.

"Yeah?" Sandy turned back around.

"For what it's worth…I don't hate you. I just can't understand how you could do it to her. To us."

* * *

Sandy knocked on the pool house door later that night and waited for Ryan to answer. 

"Sandy?" He was slightly surprised to see him standing there. "Is Kirsten okay?" Always the worrier, Sandy thought to himself.

"She's fine," Sandy assured him. "She's already sleeping."

"Oh." Sandy could see the wheels turning in Ryan's head. Wondering why he was out there.

"I thought… I thought you and I could talk?" Sandy asked.

"Oh, sure," Ryan sat down on the bed and Sandy took a seat in one of the chairs. Now that he was out here, Sandy wasn't exactly sure on how to start this conversation.

"I just…I wanted to know that…it's okay if you are angry at me." Ryan scoffed.

"Well, thanks for the approval," he said snidely.

"I'm sorry, Ryan," Sandy said.

"I know. I keep hearing you say that. And I know that you are sorry, or you think you are sorry. I know that you wish you could take it back and I know that you wanted to hurt Kirsten, you just weren't thinking about her, you weren't thinking at all." Sandy had never heard so many words come out of Ryan's mouth at once, and he sat back and let him talk. "It's just that you did. You hurt her. You hurt Seth. You hurt all of us. I…"

"What?" Sandy pressed. Ryan shook his head.

"It doesn't matter."

"Of course it does."

"No it doesn't." Seeing that Ryan wasn't going to continue, Sandy asked him the question that he had been dying to ask since all of it happened.

"Will you ever forgive me?"

"I don't know," Ryan said.

"What can I do to make it up to you?" Ryan shrugged.

"Make it up to Kirsten," he suggested. "Seth and I…we'll follow." Sandy nodded.

"I'm trying kid," he told Ryan.

"Try harder," Ryan instructed. Sandy just nodded again and stood up.

"I guess I should let you get back to your homework," he gestured to the books that were sitting behind Ryan. Ryan just nodded and once Sandy was out of the pool house, he sighed and threw himself on the bed.

There went studying for the night.

* * *

Hailey left a few days later, the same day as Kirsten's first doctor's appointment. Sandy drove her to the doctor's office and they sat in the waiting room, and for the first time it felt real to both of them. 

They were going to have a baby.

Kirsten reached over as they were waiting and slipped her tiny hand into Sandy's. He looked at her surprised, but she wasn't looking at him, she was staring straight ahead and a small smile was on her face.

"I've been thinking," she said. "About names."

"Already?" Sandy asked with smile.

"Well, this kid is going to be stuck with this name for the rest of his or her life," Kirsten said. "I think that it should be a good one."

"I agree. So what were you thinking?"

"If it's a girl, I would like to name her after my mother," Kirsten was asking his permission, but he knew how much it meant to her. And he wanted to do whatever it took to make her happy.

"Of course," Sandy said.

"Really? You wouldn't mind that?"

"Not at all," he assured her. "What about if we have another boy?" Kirsten didn't get a chance to answer as the receptionist called out Kirsten's name. Still holding onto Sandy's hand, Kirsten led the way into the room.

"I don't want to do this alone," Kirsten told him again as the nurse left them alone.

"I know," Sandy said. "You aren't going to. I'm going to be here. Every step of the way." Kirsten nodded and Sandy leaned down and placed a kiss on her forehead. "I love you so much."

And for the first time since he had told her that he slept with Rebecca, she looked up at him with a tiny smile, and said it back.

"I love you too."

* * *

Sandy decided after Kirsten's appointment that he wasn't going to go into the office at all that day. Instead, he took her to her favorite restaurant where she ordered a giant hamburger and went to town. 

"I love eating for two," she told him grinning. Sandy laughed and let her steal his fries.

"I remember with Seth, you really had a thing for pistachios," he reminded her.

"Hmm, pistachios would be great right now," Kirsten replied. "Do you think that we could stop at the grocery store and load up on some pistachios? Oh! Tapioca. I would kill for some tapioca pudding. But we'd have to hide it." Kirsten frowned slightly. "Or else Seth will eat it all." Sandy laughed.

"We can stop and get whatever you want," he assured her. "We'll just walk up and down every aisle and get whatever catches your eye." Kirsten grinned at him.

"I knew there was a reason that I loved you," she told him. She stole another fry and Sandy felt happier than he had in days. She loved him. She had said it twice that day.

For the first time he entertained the thought of her forgiving him.

It was possible.

He took her hand and gave it a squeeze, and she just smiled at him.

It was definitely possible.

* * *

Okay, so that one, a little happier yes? Review please! My head still really hurts. I'm off to bed. Make me feel better, and you know, let me remind you once more, my birthday is in two days. The same night as the OC finale. So that's incentive for you to review! 


	11. The breath you left

Sorry this took so long, I had major writer's block. So hopefully you like this chapter, cause I had trouble with it. Let me know what you thought of it!

Disclaimer: The characters are so not mine.

* * *

As Kirsten returned to work, and the boys went back to school, and Sandy got a new case, things in the Cohen house returned to normal. At least, outwardly things returned to normal. Everyone could feel the tension still, but no one had enough time to talk about it, and so for the time being, everything resumed how it had been before Rebecca. Or BR, as Seth had begun to call it.

Kirsten had reached her fourth month without any more incidents, or contact from Rebecca. At her last doctor's appointment, he had told her that soon they would be able to tell her the sex of the baby, and she was anxious to find out so that she could start decorating. If it was a boy she would have the room nearest her and Sandy's painted a baby blue, and if it was a girl, she was going to go out and find every pink thing that she could. There would be so much pink that it would look like someone had thrown up Pepto Bismal. That was her goal.

She came into the kitchen to find both boys eating cereal out of the box.

"We have bowls you know," she said as she pulled out the orange juice from the refrigerator. "And spoons. And milk." She sighed, knowing that it was a lost cause, as both boys just glanced up from where they were shoving handfuls in their mouths and ignored her completely. "Fine. Be animals, see if I care."

"So today is another doctor's appointment right?" Ryan asked. Kirsten nodded and smiled. "You can find out if it's going to be a girl or boy?"

"Yes."

"Then we can talk about names?" Seth asked. "Cause I have some really good ones picked out."

"They better not be related in any way to comic book characters," Kirsten warned.

"They aren't," Seth feigned insult. "Mother, please. Give me more credit than that."

"Or cartoon characters," Ryan added. Seth turned and gave Ryan his attempt at a withering look.

"Really, people," Seth said. Sandy appeared in the kitchen.

"What are we talking about?" He asked as he poured himself a cup of coffee. Seth and Ryan had talked about how Seth's ignoring of his father just made things tenser for his mother, and so Seth had been trying to work on forgiving his father, or at least making nice with him.

"Baby names," Seth answered.

"Ah," Sandy said. "Well, we've decided on the name if it's a girl."

"You have? Without consulting me first?" Seth cried.

"What is it?" Ryan asked completely ignoring Seth.

"Emily after my mother," Kirsten replied. "Emily Catherine."

"Emily Cohen," Ryan tried it out. "It's nice."

"What about for a boy?"

"We haven't decided on a name for a boy," Kirsten said shrugging. "We're still discussing that."

"How about Caleb?" Seth suggested with a smirk.

"Maybe," Kirsten said as Sandy spit out his coffee. She turned and grinned at him. "Just kidding. I should go get dressed. Have a good day boys."

"Call us when you find out," Ryan requested. Kirsten nodded and left the boys alone in the kitchen. Without Kirsten, an uncomfortable silence fell over them, until Ryan cleared his throat.

"We should probably go," he said. "Summer will be here to pick us up any minute."

"Have a nice day," Sandy said. Ryan just nodded, and Seth replied with a,

"You too."

Before Rebecca, Sandy would have wondered what was wrong with Seth. Before Rebecca, just a simple "you too" would have raised some alarms because Seth was never one to use two words when eight could be used instead. Not unless he was angry with his father, or he was upset for whatever reason.

Now Sandy was happy that Seth had even spoken those two words at him. It was a big step. He knew, from eavesdropping of course, Seth did inherit the need to know exactly what was going on at all times from him, that Kirsten had requested that the baby be born into a tension-free house.

"Please…try to forgive him Seth," she had pleaded.

"I am trying," Seth told her earnestly. "But he hurt you. I mean…that's just not...he wasn't supposed….you didn't deserve…I mean, who is Rebecca?" Seth shook his head. This not being able to fully explain what he was thinking and feeling was a completely foreign concept for him. He had always been one to verbalize everything, and he couldn't quite find the words to explain how much he hated his father, and how much it hurt him what Sandy had done, and how much he wanted to protect his mother from anything else, and how much he just couldn't hate his father, no matter what he did. It was like his brain was perpetually spinning, trying to decide what to feel towards his father at that moment.

"I know," Kirsten had said pulling her son in for a hug. "I know that you are trying, and I appreciate it." She turned to Ryan and grabbed his hand. "I know that both of you are trying."

So Seth's two words were not so much for Sandy, but for Kirsten's benefit. Sandy had always thought that Seth was closer to him than Kirsten. That Seth was more like him than Kirsten, and that Sandy understood Seth just a little bit better than Kirsten did. Maybe it was because Seth looked more like him, or maybe it was the whole Jewish thing, or maybe it was just because they were both outcasts in Newport, but it was quickly becoming clear to him that he had never even noticed how close Seth and Kirsten were. How alike they actually were, and how much Seth just simply idolized Kirsten. She may not be the perfect mother, but Seth was beginning to realize just how lucky he was to have the mother that he did. She wasn't Julie Cooper, or Dawn Atwood, and she loved him, had always loved him, and only wanted what was best for him. And maybe Seth had always known that, known that not all mothers were like his own, but it seemed to Sandy that ever since Ryan came to live with them, Seth was more aware than ever that he should thank his lucky stars that this was the family that he was born into.

Sandy drank the rest of his coffee and headed upstairs. Kirsten was standing in front of her closet frowning.

"What's the matter?" Sandy asked.

"I was going to wear my gray suit, because I have that meeting after the appointment," she started.

"And?"

"It doesn't fit," she finished. He expected her to be upset about this, and when she turned around and had tears running down her face, he wasn't terribly surprised.

"Oh honey," he said. "We can take you shopping, and you'll be back down to your normal size after the baby is born."

"No," Kirsten shook her head. "It's not that. I don't care about that. It's just…it's real. I don't fit into my clothes. It's real." Sandy went to her and pulled her into a hug and she clung to him as she cried.

"I know," he whispered. "It's real and it's amazing."

* * *

"Can you tell what sex the baby is?" Kirsten asked. The doctor smiled at Kirsten and nodded.

"If the baby is in the right position, we should be able to see," the doctor said. Kirsten gripped Sandy's hand as they looked at the small screen. "Congratulations Mrs. Cohen, it appears that you are having a girl." Kirsten couldn't help the tears that started to roll down her face. She wanted a girl. She had wanted a girl so very badly.

"Oh Kirsten," Sandy breathed as he gave her a kiss to her temple. "A little girl." A girl. Kirsten felt as if she couldn't breathe.

"Emily," she whispered.

* * *

Ryan's phone vibrated in his pocket, and he glanced up at the teacher before pulling it out and glancing at it. There was a message from Sandy with about a thousand exclamation marks.

"It's a girl!" Ryan couldn't help the grin that crossed his face and he hurried closed his phone and shoved it back in his pocket. The bell rang and the students began to gather their things and Ryan leaned over and tapped Marissa on the shoulder.

"It's a girl," he said grinning. Marissa squealed and threw her arms around him.

"A girl? Oh! Kirsten must be so excited!" As soon as they left the room, they spotted Summer.

"Did you hear?" Marissa asked. Summer didn't need to ask what Marissa was talking about.

"No, I haven't seen Cohen all day, did you get the message?" She asked Ryan.

"It's a girl. Kirsten's having a girl," he told her. Summer did a little jump.

"Oh that's so exciting! Kirsten must be thrilled!" She turned to Marissa. "Want to go out after school and get a little dress to give to her? Little girl clothes are so much more fun than little boy clothes."

"Sure!" Marissa said. Ryan just rolled his eyes. Of course Marissa and Summer would have identical reactions. Of course their first thought would be to go shopping. Why had he expected anything less? He was saved from any more squeals when Seth joined them in the hallway.

"So a sister, huh?" He said. "I was hoping it was going to be a boy to follow in my footsteps."

"No you weren't," Summer said, and it was her turn to roll her eyes. "You wanted it to be a girl just as much as your mom did. You told me that you wanted a little sister, because you knew how much it meant to your mom, and because of all that she's been through recently you would do anything for her right now. So don't even try to play cool about this Cohen…."

"Summer, pillow talk is not to be shared," Seth interrupted her angrily. Summer just shrugged.

"Well, don't try to be all macho about the whole thing. You're going to have a baby sister. Stop acting like it doesn't mean anything." Seth just shook his head and Ryan grinned at Marissa and leaned in and whispered,

"Seth and macho? Never thought I'd hear him be accused of being too macho."

"Me neither," Marissa agreed giggling. They walked away from the still bickering couple and towards their next class. "So how are things? I mean, how are Sandy and Kirsten?" Ryan shrugged.

"They're okay. I mean, I don't know if things will ever go back to normal, but they're both trying. I just…I don't know if they're actually trying to make things okay, or just trying to pretend that everything is okay."

"And how are you doing with everything?"

"What do you mean?" Ryan asked more defensively than he would have liked.

"I just meant…how are you doing dealing with everything that's going on? The baby, Kirsten and Sandy….everything?"

"I'm fine," Ryan said quickly. "I'm excited for the baby."

"And you aren't worried…"

"Worried about what?"

"Just that…I mean, it's normal when a new baby comes to question your place in the family…"

"No," he said. But she wasn't buying it, but she knew that this wasn't the time or the place to have the conversation, and she was also very aware that she probably wasn't the person he should be talking about this with in the first place.

"Okay," she forced a smile and leaned forward and placed a kiss on his cheek. "I'll see you later?"

"Yeah," Ryan replied distracted. "See you later." As he walked away from her, he thought about what she had said. Worried about the baby, what a ridiculous thought. He was seventeen years old. Of course he wasn't worried about a baby getting attention that would have gone to him. It wasn't even like he deserved Kirsten and Sandy's attention. The baby was their child. Their flesh and blood, and he…wasn't.

He knew it was crazy but he was suddenly gripped with the fear that they would decide with everything that was going on, they didn't have the time or the patience to put up with him. After all, they were trying to piece together a broken marriage and at the same time they were going to have a new baby in the house, along with a teenager that already belonged to them, and it would probably be easier for them if he wasn't there.

Logically Ryan knew that they wouldn't kick him out. But he couldn't stop the fear from creeping over him. It was as if two sides of his brain were having an argument.

They love you.

_Do they really? _

Kirsten would be devastated if you left. Look what your leaving did this past summer.

_Would she even notice? Things are different than they were last summer. _

They consider you a son.

_But you aren't their son. Not technically._

Technicalities don't matter.

Sighing, Ryan decided that he couldn't take school for the rest of the day. He grabbed his books out of his locker and headed out the doors away from his class. Summer had driven them that day, so he had to walk and hope no one would notice as he skipped out.

"Chino, what are you doing?" No such luck. There was Summer sitting in her car staring at him.

"What are you doing? Shouldn't you be in class?"

"Shouldn't you?" She retorted. "I decided to take a mental health day and go shopping for Kirsten and the baby."

"Emily," Ryan spoke up.

"What?"

"That's what they're going to name her. Emily." Summer considered it for a second.

"I like that," she said nodding. "So where are going?"

"Mental health day too?" Summer didn't push it any further and finally leaned over and opened the passenger door for him.

"Get in. I'll take you home."

"I don't want to go home."

"Fine, then I'll take you wherever you do want to go," she said shrugging. Ryan looked around before getting in. As they drove off the campus, she turned to him.

"Where am I taking you? The pier? The mall?"

"The mall?" He scoffed. "Um…" He hadn't thought about where to go. He just knew that he needed to do thinking that wouldn't be clouded by his western civ teacher's droning.

"You look like you need to do some serious thinking," Summer said, surprising him. "So you need some brain fuel." She was quiet for a moment. "Want to share?"

"What?"

"Why you look like your world is crashing in on you, and why you are skipping the rest of the day, and why you need to go somewhere to do some thinking?"

"I just…"

"Is it about the baby?" Sometimes Summer was so perceptive that Ryan was floored by her. She wasn't as dumb as she liked everyone to think that she was. Ryan didn't respond. "They love you, you know? And Kirsten…I mean, you should have seen her this summer when you were gone."

"When Seth was gone," he corrected.

"No," Summer said giving him a small smile. "When you were gone. So don't be such an asshat. Don't overthink this whole thing and do something stupid. They love you. You are their son. You are not a burden. Face it, at some point you became a Cohen. I'm very sorry for you."

* * *

Okay, so again, please let me know what you thought and if you are still interested in it. I'm so tired and I had to sit through my sister's graduation this morning and it was long and boring and I don't think I quite recovered, so off to bed I am I think. Let me know what you thought please! 


	12. Don't hang up this time

Okay so here's the next chapter. Let me know what you thought of it. I'm still currently unemployed, which is good because that means I get to sleep and relax, and those are both beautiful things, but also means that I'm broke, which is not a beautiful thing. In fact, it kind of sucks. But anyway, I digress. Let me know what you thought of this chapter. Thanks.

Disclaimer: Oh, they aren't mine. You thought they were? You silly, silly people. Please, if they were mine I would not be worried about my state of employment or lack of employment right now, would I?

* * *

"Dude, call me back as soon as you get this. Look, I know that you skipped school today, but I didn't tell the parents yet. And I don't want to…I mean," Seth paused. He was going to tell Ryan that he didn't want to add any unnecessary worry onto his mother, who certainly didn't need anything else to worry about. But then, of course, Ryan would feel guilty, and when Ryan felt guilty he talked even less than he normally did. "I won't tell. But you need to come home before Mom and Dad start asking where you are." Seth hung up the phone and sighed. Summer had called him to let him know that Ryan had skipped school and she had dropped him off at the beach, where he had said he was going to do some thinking. Thinking was never a good thing, and Seth was worried. He tried calling Ryan several times, only to have it go to voice mail each time immediately. When Seth got home from school he was hoping to see Ryan already home, but he had been home for an hour now, and no sign of his brother. Since she had been ordered to cut down on stress, his mother was usually home by five-thirty at the latest, and his father, desperately trying to make amends with his family, was trying to make an effort to spend more time as a family, which meant that he generally trailed in shortly after Kirsten.

This gave Ryan about an hour and a half to get home without either parent being any the wiser. Seth began to pace around four thirty, and by five, he was calling Ryan's phone almost every two minutes. He tried Marissa, thinking that maybe Ryan had gone there, but she hadn't seen him.

"I haven't seen him since around lunch time," she told Seth apologetically. "But if you hear from him, will you let me know?" Seth had sighed in frustration.

"Sure," he said before hanging up to call Summer again.

"Cohen, he'll turn up," she told her boyfriend for what felt like the eightieth time.

"What did you guys talk about? What did he have to think about?" Summer bit her lip. She knew that more teenage drama was the last thing that the Cohens needed, but at the same time, she knew that Ryan needed to talk to the Cohens. All of the Cohens, but especially Kirsten, about how he was feeling about the new baby. And Seth would undoubtedly tell his mother, who would force Ryan to talk.

"We didn't talk long," Summer finally admitted. "But I got the feeling that he was feeling a little…unsure about the new baby."

Of course, Seth thought to himself. How stupid they all were. Of course Ryan would question his place in the family with the arrival of a new baby. His security in the family was tenuous at best, and with all that had gone on, he wondered how they could have not been more reassuring to Ryan that they wanted him. He couldn't blame his parents, well, at least not his mom. She had ten thousand other things to worry about.

When the front door opened, Seth jumped to his feet and hurried to the front hall.

"Thank God, dude," he said as he rounded the corner, only to come face to face with his mother.

"Thank God what?" She asked with a smile on her face as she dropped her briefcase by the table, and placed her keys in the bowl on the table. She couldn't get the grin off her face that day. She was having a girl.

"Oh..." Seth was trying to find a reason when the door opened behind them and his father stepped in. Sandy leaned in and placed a kiss on his wife's cheek and was thankful when she didn't pull away, but instead leaned into him and smiled. It was a start at least, and the thought that they might return to normal cheered him up so much that a grin crept across his face.

"Hey kid," Sandy said smiling at his son. Seth nodded towards his father.

"So, what were you thanking God for?" Kirsten asked. Seth had hoped that his mother would have let it drop, but his mother never let anything drop.

"That I have such a beautiful mother," Seth lied with an innocent smile.

"Nice try," Kirsten said. She moved past Seth towards the kitchen. She was starving. Eating for two certainly had its perks, but being hungry all the time was not one of them. Kirsten pulled open the refrigerator and pulled out a pudding cup. "Where's Ryan?" She peeked into the living room and then turned to look out the window at the pool house, but found both empty.

"Oh, well, he and Marissa went out after school," Seth lied once again. He sure hoped that Ryan turned up soon so that he wouldn't be found out on all these lies.

"Oh, when will he be home?" Sandy asked as he pulled out the take out menus for dinner. "Is he eating dinner with her?"

"I'm not sure," Seth said shrugging.

"I'll give his phone a call," Sandy told Kirsten. "Figure out what you want for dinner." Kirsten nodded, as Sandy picked up the phone.

"I think that he said that they were eating out," Seth said desperately. They had a rule about cell phones, when they were not home, the boys had to have their phones on at all times. It could be on vibrate, but it needed to at least be turned on. If his father called Ryan's phone, it would immediately go to voice mail, which meant that either Ryan was ending the call, or he didn't have it on at all. Either way, Ryan would be in trouble. Seth was determined to keep this off his mother's radar, for as long as that was possible.

"I'm still going to give him a call," Sandy said giving his son a strange look. Kirsten looked up from where she was studying menus and frowned at Seth.

"What's the matter honey?" She asked him.

"Nothing," he told her forcing a smile. "Absolutely nothing. So what are you in the mood for tonight Mom?"

"I'm thinking Mexican," Kirsten said pushing the menu over to him to look. Ryan's phone went straight to voice mail and Sandy knew that something was up. Seth was acting strange, and Ryan wasn't picking up his phone. He looked over at his wife who was laughing at something that Seth said. Seth looked up at his father and saw the wheels turning in Sandy's head.

Sandy knew that something was up, but didn't want Kirsten to know. Instead he walked into the living room, shutting off the phone, and talking loudly so that Kirsten could hear.

"Okay, no, okay that's fine. Have a good dinner with Marissa. It's okay, we'll see you later," he hung up and noticed Seth staring at him when he walked back in. "Ryan's eating with Marissa. He'll be home later."

"Oh okay," Kirsten said. "More food for me then." She grinned at her husband and rattled off the many things that she wanted ordered for her. "I'm going to go change." As soon as she was out of earshot, Sandy turned to his son.

"What's going on?"

"What?"

"Ryan didn't answer his phone, what's going on?"

"Why did you…"

"I don't want your mother to have to worry about something until there is something to worry about," Sandy explained. "So spill."

"Ryan skipped school today. Summer said that she got the impression that he was doing some heavy duty thinking."

"About what?"

"About the family, about his place in it. I haven't heard from him all day." Sandy sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

"We need to keep your mother in the dark about this. She doesn't need this. She needs to…" Sandy shook his head. "I'm going to go look for him." He grabbed his car keys. "If he calls, call me. Tell your mom that I'm going to get the food." Seth nodded. He wrapped his arms around himself uncertainly. Sandy noticed and placed a hand on Seth's shoulders, and again was pleased when his son didn't pull away. "He'll come home." Sandy was walking towards the door when Kirsten's voice stopped him.

"Where are you going honey?" Kirsten wanted to trust him. She did, but she couldn't help but be suspicious as he was heading out the door, as to where he was going. She knew that Rebecca was long gone, or at least she hoped she was, but she couldn't help wanting to know exactly where he was going to be, and he who was going to be with.

"I'm going to go pick up the food," Sandy lied easily. Of course, she thought to herself. I'm just being paranoid. He's not hiding anything from me.

"Oh, okay," Kirsten smiled at him. She leaned forward and placed a kiss on his cheek. "Hurry back, I'm starved."

"I'll try," Sandy muttered as he left the house and climbed into the BMW. He suddenly realized as he pulled out of the driveway that he had no idea where to even start looking for Ryan. The school? The pier? The beach? Where would he go, if he was doing some, in Seth's words, "heavy duty thinking?"

The beach. But what part of the beach? God, this whole damned town was on the beach. Where would he even start? He drove towards the ocean and up to a semi-secluded area where he normally went after a fight with Kirsten. Parking the car, he got out and scanned the area looking for a blond head. Sighing, he was about to turn back and keep going further down the beach when he spotted him.

"Great minds think alike," Sandy mumbled as he made his way to Ryan. Ryan was sitting using a stick to draw pictures.

"Hey," Sandy called out when he got closer. Ryan turned around, caught and sighed.

"Hey," he replied after a hesitation. "So I guess Seth squealed."

"About you skipping school? No, he lied for you, but I tried your phone and when you didn't answer, I got worried, and I forced it out of him," Sandy said plopping down next to Ryan. "I didn't tell Kirsten though. I didn't want her to worry."

"God," Ryan said covering his face with his hands. "I didn't even think about that. She's okay? She doesn't know?"

"No, and she doesn't have to. Come on home with me kid."

"I…I'm sorry about skipping school."

"I know."

"I just…couldn't think there."

"Which is ironic," Sandy said with a smile. "Because that's sort of its purpose. To make you think." Sandy paused and searched for the right way to phrase his next question. "Can I ask you what it is that you needed to think about?" Ryan shrugged, and continued to look out at the ocean.

When Ryan didn't respond right away, Sandy decided to approach it a different way.

"Could it be about the baby?" Ryan shrugged again, but Sandy knew that he was on the right track. "Are you afraid…are you…do you..." Sandy normally had no problems talking. In fact, he considered it his forte, but right now he was floundering.

"I know that you…you guys won't kick me out," Ryan finally said. "I know that, you aren't that cruel. But it's just…with everything that's going on…and with the new baby…I just think that it would be easier for everyone if I just…"

"What? Left? Do you know what that would do to Kirsten? To me?" Sandy shook his head. "She was absolutely inconsolable when you left last summer."

"But she would have…the baby is going to take up all of her time," Ryan said shrugging. "I don't think she would even notice me gone."

"Yes she would. And so would I. And so would Seth." Sandy shook his head. "It amazes me that after all this time, you still don't realize what you mean to us." There was another long pause before Sandy looked over at Ryan. "I know I messed up big time. I know that you, and Seth, and Kirsten are still trying to figure out a way to forgive me. I know that if it weren't for the baby, I probably would still be at the motel. I would like to think that Kirsten would be on her way to forgiving me, but I'm not stupid. I know because she is pregnant that…sped things along a little bit. I know that I let you down. You and Seth. I know all of that. I know that I want my family back. I'm trying to piece us back together, and I know that it will take some time, but I'm optimistic. I think that we can be complete again. But…we can not be complete without you. You are a part of this family. You are my child, as much as Seth is, as much as the new baby is." Sandy stood up and offered a hand down to Ryan. "And I also know that if I don't get home with food pretty soon, my pregnant wife will have my head on a chopping block. So come on. Let's go home." Ryan finally accepted his hand and allowed Sandy to pull him to his feet. As they walked to the car, Ryan turned to him.

"Sandy?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks for coming to get me," Ryan said softly. He wanted to tell him that he knew that Sandy was sorry, and that he was trying to forgive him. That he hoped that they could be whole again. That he was overwhelmingly grateful to even get the chance to be a part of that whole family.

"No problem kid," Sandy said slapping him on the back. "Now when we get home, if Kirsten is surprised to see you, just tell her that you and Marissa got into a fight at the restaurant and called and asked me to come pick you up." Ryan raised an eyebrow at this concocted story, but just nodded.

"What restaurant?" Ryan asked with a small smile.

"I don't know, the Crab Shack."

"Why didn't I just walk home?"

"Because you were tired."

"What did we fight about?" Ryan was grinning now, Seth was right, messing with the parental units was fun.

"I don't know, kid, make something up." But Sandy was grinning too, enjoying the exchange with his foster son. They climbed into the car and Sandy started towards the Mexican restaurant. "Can you call the restaurant and put our order in?" He handed Ryan the menu. "And pick out what you want."

"What I want? Sandy there's enough food circled here to feed a small army," Ryan argued.

"Or a very hungry pregnant woman," Sandy replied. "Most of that's for her. So if you want to keep all your appendages, you won't get any funny ideas about eating any of that. God, when she was pregnant with Seth I made the mistake of eating the last of the peanut butter. I was lucky to make it out alive." Ryan laughed and picked what he wanted and called the order in. Sandy's phone rang and he answered it.

"I'm coming honey," Sandy said into the phone. "I had to make a quick detour to pick up Ryan. He had a fight with Marissa…yes…okay, another burrito. Got it. Okay…love you. Bye." Sandy ran into the restaurant to pick up the food and order another burrito. Ryan turned back on his phone and listened to the thousand messages that Seth had left on his voice mail. Then the ones that Marissa had left, and then even a couple from Summer, and smiled. It was still weird that he had all these people that cared about him. It was weird that he was excited about the prospect of being a big brother. That he considered himself to be Emily's big brother. He smiled to himself. Emily's big brother. It was a title that he was more than happy to have. Sandy came back a few minutes later holding a couple large bags full of food.

"Ready to go home kid?"

"Yeah," Ryan said smiling. "Let's go home."

* * *

Okay, so I'll try to work on the next chapter and get it up soon. Review please! Thanks! 


	13. The luckiest

Okay, thanks so much for the reviews! I love all of you! So I slept on the floor of my friend's apartment last night because he had a party and I couldn't drive home, but I'm so sore now that I don't know how those people who can sleep anywhere do it. I need a pillow and a blanket and some sort of mattress, be it normal or air. If you are one of those people who can sleep anywhere, more power to you. Anyway, here's the next chapter, it's a little fluffier than previous chapters, but I needed some fluff. Please let me know what you thought!

* * *

_"I don't get many things right the first time_

_In fact, I am told that a lot_

_Now I know all the wrong turns, stumbles, and falls brought me here_

_And where was I before the day that I first saw your lovely face?_

_Now I see it every day_

_And I know that I am the luckiest." - _Ben Folds

_

* * *

_

"Kiki? Are you free?" Caleb knocked on the office door of his daughter and without waiting for a response, stepped inside. Kirsten was sitting with her head on the desk. She gave a half hearted attempt to glance up and pretend like she was working, but quickly decided that was going to take too much energy, and instead lifted her hand in response. Caleb hurried over to his daughter. "Are you okay? Kirsten?"

"I'm okay," she said finally sitting up and stifling a yawn. She placed a hand on her stomach. "I just didn't get much sleep last night." She was still having morning sickness, well, all day sickness really. Sandy had read in one of the many books that he had gotten out of the library, to "refresh his knowledge of pregnancy," as he put it, that morning sickness was normally in the first trimester. As Kirsten was now well into her second trimester, he had panicked and called the doctor, who explained calmly to him that it was different for all women.

"Some women will have morning sickness throughout their pregnancy," the doctor had told Sandy.

"But she wasn't like this with our son," Sandy had argued. He wasn't actually positive that was true, although he figured he would have remembered if Kirsten had thrown up throughout the entire nine months.

"Every pregnancy is different Mr. Cohen," the doctor said.

Between the morning sickness, and the fact that their little girl was shaping up to be quite the soccer player, Kirsten was barely getting any sleep at night. Sandy had tried to convince her to stay home that day, but there were contracts that needed to be signed that day, and she had dragged her tired, nauseous body to the office, promising her husband that she would try to only be there a half day.

"You should go home Kiki," Caleb said. He remembered the day that he had walked in while she clutched her stomach, and cried in pain too well. He remembered her terrified expression when she explained that she was pregnant, and something was wrong. He remembered calling 911, and holding her hand while they waited for the paramedics. He had whispered that it was going to be okay, that the baby was going to be okay, that she was going to be okay. Of course she would be okay, there was no way that he could lose her.

"I am," Kirsten said. "I'm just trying to summon the energy to drive home."

"I'll drive you home," Caleb offered immediately. Kirsten had been pleasantly surprised at the way that her father was acting now that she was pregnant. When she had been pregnant with Seth, she and Sandy lived up in Berkeley and only saw her parents a few times during her pregnancy.

Kirsten just nodded and her father left her office to tell his secretary where he was going and to have the car brought up. Then he came back in, and placed a supportive arm around Kirsten. Kirsten wanted to tell him that he was treating her like an invalid, and she wasn't so tired that she couldn't walk to the car, but lately she had been choosing her battles, and arguing with her father always turned into a completely draining event, and she didn't want to have to listen to him lecture her about learning how to take it easy. She had heard that enough lately. She was sick of hearing it. God forbid they put her on bed rest.

"Oh, Kiki, hold on, I forgot my phone in my office, why don't we sit you over here while I run back and get it?" Okay, Kirsten decided. That's enough.

"Dad, I can stand and wait for you. I can walk to the car and wait for you. I'm tired, not dying." She gave a little laugh, and he nodded.

"Well, wait here. I'll be right back." He hurried off in the direction of his office and she sighed. Her phone vibrated in her pocket and she pulled it out. Sandy's name flashed across the screen.

"Hello?"

"Hey baby," he said. It hadn't taken Sandy very long to slip back into using terms of endearment. One night, when she was feeling particularly brave, she had asked him if he had called Rebecca any of those names.

"No. I didn't," he replied. They had been lying in bed; Sandy had a hand on Kirsten's ever growing stomach, and talking about the baby. And Kirsten had turned to him, in all seriousness, and asked him to be honest with her.

"What about when you were dating?"

"No," Sandy said shaking his head. "She wasn't that kind of girl."

"Sandy?" Kirsten asked softly summoning all of her courage.

"Yes?"

"Did you love her…before…like you love me?" She was surprised to find out that as soon as she had asked the question she did not want to hear the answer if it was going to be an affirmative.

"God no," Sandy said and saw a few tears drip down Kirsten's face, and quickly wiped them away with the tips of his fingers. "No. Honey, when Rebecca and I dated, we were almost clones of one another, we were on the same page all the time. There was nothing to fight about because we agreed on everything."

"So you were perfect for one another?"

"No, no! We were bored. Both of us. It was a safe relationship. And I thought I loved her, but then…God, then I met you. And I realized that I never felt anything for Rebecca like I felt for you. And I will apologize for the rest of my life for what I've done. I never…I hate myself for doing it, baby." Kirsten didn't reply, a few more tears slid down her cheeks.

"Okay," Kirsten replied softly. She allowed Sandy to gather her in his arms and hold her tightly, as if he was afraid that she would slip away.

"Hey, honey," Kirsten said on the phone to Sandy. Sandy may have easily fallen back into the terms of endearment, but it still almost felt strange on Kirsten's tongue. She had to consciously think to add them in.

"Are you at work still? I was thinking that maybe we could go grab some lunch?"

"I'd love to, but my dad is making me go home, so maybe you could stop and grab something and bring it home?"

"Sure, what's wrong? Why is your dad making you go home?" Kirsten had hoped that maybe he would ignore that part, and sighed inwardly.

"I'm just exhausted, and he's worried about me. I was actually going to go home after lunch anyway, but he offered to drive, and so I took him up on the offer." Caleb appeared right then, offered his daughter his arm, which she slipped her free hand into, and said to Sandy, "I'll see you at home?"

"Okay. What do you want to eat?"

"I don't care, surprise me," Kirsten said.

"Okay, I love you."

"Love you too," she replied before hanging up the phone and following her father out to the car.

* * *

Sandy hated when Kirsten said, "surprise me." He always ended something that she would undoubtedly turn her nose up at. Now, with the pregnancy, she was very particular about her food. Certain things she couldn't get enough of, and other things made her sick. If he got the right thing, he was a hero, but if he got it wrong, he was in big trouble. She unfortunately never yelled at him. He could handle the yelling, but the yelling never came. Instead, she would cry. Just sob, and his heart would break into a million pieces and he would scramble to make it right again. And Kirsten would smile at him, and would tell him what she wanted, which was always something that he never in a million years would have guessed, such as a bucket of original recipe from KFC. Before recently, he hadn't even known that there was a KFC in Newport, and he wasn't entirely sure how Kirsten knew that there was one.

Kirsten was definitely not the KFC type.

However, it was beginning to seem that the baby was. Sandy wouldn't be surprised if his daughter was a fast food junkie.

So this latest time, when instructed to surprise her, Sandy had stopped at every single fast food restaurant that he could find. He barely managed to get the door open and get all the bags inside and into the kitchen.

"What did you bring me?" Kirsten asked coming into the kitchen after changing into a pair of sweatpants and Sandy's Berkeley sweatshirt. She was definitely beginning to show, and had offers from Summer, Marissa, and Julie all to go shopping for baby clothes and maternity clothes.

"They have some really cute maternity clothes out there now," Summer had explained when she had stayed for dinner one night. "I mean, it's not those ugly tents anymore. They're trying to make it so that you can still be hot and be pregnant at the same time. I think it's so that your husband will still be attracted to you while you're pregnant and not want to go boink someone else." As soon as the words were out her mouth, Summer gasped and her hand flew to her mouth. "Oh God I didn't mean…he wouldn't…I just…"

"It's okay Summer," Kirsten had interrupted. "I'd love to go shopping with you." The subject, thankfully, had quickly changed to what stores to hit and when they were both free to go. Sandy felt like he was about three inches tall, and had to remind himself again of what an idiot he was.

"I brought you every kind of food imaginable," Sandy said. "Mostly fast food."

"Emily likes fast food," Kirsten agreed. She loved to refer to the baby by the name they had chosen. It made her seem more real, it made it all seem more real and it made Kirsten very anxious to meet her. As she had just entered her six month, she kept reminding herself that it was only three months away.

Their family was being pieced back together in the five months since Sandy slept with Rebecca. While Seth was still giving him the cold shoulder, it wasn't constantly like it had been before. It was almost as if Seth would forget that he was supposed to be angry at his father and they would slip back into their usual bantering. Then Seth would suddenly remember that his father had slept with someone else, had shattered their family almost to the point beyond repair, and he would go back to trying his best to give one word answers to Sandy.

But they weren't shattered beyond repair. Kirsten was proving once again that she was the strongest member of the family and was slowly, but surely putting them back together. And Ryan was helping, determined not to let them fall apart.

Ryan had confessed to Kirsten that he had been thinking about leaving, and they had sat out on the patio, just the two of them, and had discussed in length the many ways that was ridiculous. Sandy had watched them for a little while, from the kitchen. Watched as his wife quickly put to rest any lingering doubts Ryan had about his place in the family. Sandy realized that things had changed. He would no longer be the one that Ryan would confide in, look up to. That role had gone to Kirsten. Sandy had lost that privilege.

"Mmm," Kirsten said pulling a hamburger out of one of the bags, Sandy wasn't sure which one. "This smells wonderful."

"I did good?" Sandy asked with a grin on his face.

"You did good," Kirsten confirmed smiling as she bit into a French fry. "Thank you for lunch." She walked around to give him a kiss on the lips, which he accepted gratefully. It had taken awhile for this too. These displays of affection that used to be so subconscious. In the morning, it had been automatic for her, go for coffee pot, give Sandy a kiss. For awhile there, it had seemed like she was battling internally as to whether or not to give him a kiss. Every kiss, Sandy was afraid that she would decide that she had made a mistake in taking him back and would kick him out again.

The first time they had made love since Rebecca, Kirsten had broken down and cried at the end of it, and Sandy had panicked, thinking that something was wrong with baby, only to have Kirsten tell him that the baby was fine.

"It's just…I can see you doing this with her in my mind," Kirsten sobbed. "I can't get it out."

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Sandy had repeated. "I'm sorry. I love you. I'm sorry. I love you." He felt like those words couldn't come out of his mouth enough. He had held her in his arms until she had calmed down. When he asked her if she wanted to talk about it, she just shook her head.

"No," Kirsten had said. "Let's just go to sleep, okay?" Sandy had agreed, not wanting to do anything that Kirsten didn't want to do.

"Oh!" Kirsten said suddenly placing her hand on her stomach and being so surprised that she dropped the burger that she had been holding.

"What?" Sandy asked. "What's wrong?"

"Oh, honey, come here," Kirsten grabbed his hand and grinned at him, placing his hand on her stomach. "Do you feel that?"

"Oh my God," Sandy breathed out and a smile broke out onto his face. "That's our little girl." They stood there silently for a minute longer before Kirsten pulled away gently and picked up the fallen burger, taking a large bite. She grinned sheepishly at Sandy.

"I'm hungry," She offered shrugging. "Are you going back to work?"

"I really don't want to," Sandy replied.

"Then don't," Kirsten said with a grin. "Play hooky with me. We'll watch some movies, pig out, it'll be great." It did sound great. It sounded more than great. Sandy found himself nodding and loosening his tie. She grabbed some of the bags of food, and a bottle of water and headed towards the living room.

"I'm going to go change," Sandy told her. "Although someone seems to have stolen my favorite sweatshirt." Kirsten just shrugged and grinned.

"I think it's my favorite sweatshirt now," she responded.

"And I think it's time to go buy a new sweatshirt I guess," Sandy said.

"I think you're right," Kirsten said. It wasn't the first sweatshirt over the years that Kirsten had pilfered from him, and he hoped that it wouldn't be the last. He stood there, just watching as she got settled on the couch, eating fries straight from the bag.

"Well, are you going to go change or what?" Kirsten's voice startled him. "Cause if you don't hurry up, I'm going to put in _Steel Magnolias._ And you know how I get when we watch that." Sandy grinned.

"I do know how you get," he said before hurrying out of the room to change clothes.

* * *

Okay, so get to it. Review people. Pretty please? 


	14. Something is wrong

Okay, so um, no fluff in this chapter. But I did do a little research for you guys. Which is amazing, because I'm possibly the laziest person ever when it comes to going that extra mile. So this weekend I got to see Ben Lee for free (haha, that rhymes). It was two of my favorite things, Ben Lee, and free things combined, and that's awesome. Also, as like the cherry on top, after Ben Lee performed, Aimee Mann did, and my boyfriend bought me chocolate covered strawberries, and we split a funnel cake, two more of my favorite things! It was such a good night. Anyway, please review and let me know what you thought. Thanks!

Disclaimer: The characters are not mine.

* * *

_Now I fear I may taste_

_These tears running down my face_

_And realize something is wrong"- _Phantom Planet

* * *

Kirsten stood in the bathroom, and watched as the blood dripped onto the white tiles.

"No," she whispered out loud. "No, no, no. No." She opened the bathroom door and called out for her husband. He reached over for the lamp next to their bed and flicked it on. Kirsten was standing in the bathroom doorway, one hand gripping the doorway and the other resting on her stomach.

"Kirsten? Are you okay? What's the matter?"

"I'm bleeding," she said and the tears started to fall down her face as soon as the words were out.

"What?" Sandy was trying to get his sleep-deprived brain to register what she was saying. She couldn't be bleeding. The baby couldn't be in trouble. No. She was at the end of her eighth month and everything was going so well. No. This could not be happening. Kirsten just nodded and closed her eyes. Sandy didn't hesitate before leaping out of bed. "We need to get you to the hospital." He ran into the closet and grabbed a bag and began to toss items that they might need into it. He threw on a change of clothes, as he grabbed a sweater for Kirsten. He began to mentally make a list of all the things that they would need to do. Let the boys know, call Caleb, call Hailey, call his mother…he hurried to where she was standing and wrapped an arm around waist. As they passed, he looked over at the bed where there was a blood stain.

"It's going to be okay," he said softly as they made their way down the stairs. "Everything's going to be okay."

"How do you know that? This is bad, Sandy," Kirsten said tearfully. "And the baby…it's too soon for her to be delivered."

"It's going to be okay," Sandy repeated, not knowing what else to say. He managed to get the door unlocked and opened and led her to the car and helped her in the passenger seat.

"The boys," Kirsten said as they were pulling out of the driveway. "We need to tell the boys so they don't panic when they wake up and we're gone."

"We'll call them when we know what's going on," Sandy promised her reaching out and grabbing her hand as he sped towards the hospital. His mind was racing as he pulled into the parking lot and threw it in park, and jumped out of the car and ran to her side, offering her a hand to step out.

"No," she kept whispering. "This can't be happening. This can't be happening."

* * *

The ringing phone woke up Ryan who rolled over to grab it from the table next to his bed.

"'Lo?" He said sleepily. Sandy's voice on the other end, quiet and terrified, woke him up immediately.

"Ryan?"

"Sandy? Where are you? What's the matter?"

"I had to take Kirsten to the hospital. She was bleeding…and she began to have contractions…"

"Isn't it too early? She's not due for another month," Ryan said trying to rub the sleep out of his eyes. "Why was she bleeding? What's the matter?"

"It's called placental abruption." Sandy rubbed a hand over his face, closing his eyes and seeing Kirsten's terrified face as the doctor told her that they would have to deliver the baby immediately, or else both she and the baby could be in danger. "I don't know…they couldn't stop the bleeding or the contractions. They have to do a c-section."

"Are they going to be okay?" Ryan asked, his voice barely above a whisper. "Is Kirsten going to be okay? Is the baby going to be okay?"

"Of course," Sandy assured him, but both he and Ryan knew that he didn't know that for sure, and he was trying to convince himself of that as well. They had to be okay, his girls. They were strong. Emily was her mother's daughter, and she would be okay.

"Can we come down?"

"They're getting her prepped right now, why don't you and Seth just get a few more hours of sleep and then come down?" Sandy suggested. But he also wanted them at the hospital, just in case…no, he couldn't think like that. He shook the thought of anything happening to either Kirsten or the baby out of his head.

"I want to be there," Ryan said vehemently.

"Then okay, could you wake up Seth and tell him for me?"

"Sure…could you tell Kirsten something for me?"

"What's that kid?"

"Could you tell her that I love her, and that I know that everything is going to be okay?"

"I will. I better go back. I'll see you guys when you get down here." Ryan hung up and sighed, pulling himself out of the bed and throwing on a pair of jeans and grabbing a sweatshirt from the pile of clean clothes that Rosa had just placed in his room, not yet put away. He crossed the yard and opened up the door to the main house and headed up to Seth's room.

"Seth?" He called out stepping inside Seth's dark room. Seth was sprawled out on his back, arms and legs in every direction, his covers in a ball by his feet. "Seth?" Ryan asked again this time a little louder. "Seth wake up!" Seth stirred, and his eyes fluttered open.

"Ryan? What the hell?"

"Your mom... Sandy just called; he took her to the hospital. They have to do a c-section."

"But she's not due for another month! Why are they doing a c-section?" Seth cried sitting up. He threw his legs over the side of the bed and reached for a pair of pants.

"She was bleeding, and they couldn't stop it or the contractions, Sandy didn't really give me all the details. Hurry up and get dressed, I'll be downstairs waiting for you," Ryan said as he left Seth's room and went back to the kitchen. When Seth emerged a couple of minutes later, Ryan was making a pot of coffee for the road.

"I'm going to call Summer," Seth announced heading towards the phone. He knew that he ran the risk of being killed for waking Summer up, but he needed to hear her voice, he needed for her to tell him, in that very Summeresque way of hers that left no room for any argument, that he was being an idiot for worrying and that his mother and baby sister would be just fine.

"Seth? What the hell is the matter with you? Why are you waking me up?" Summer answered on the third ring, and Seth stood there, hopping from foot to foot, not knowing what to do with himself.

"My dad had to take my mom to the hospital. Something's wrong with her and the baby, and they have to do a c-section. I need to know that they are going to be okay," Seth said in one very long breath. Summer didn't reply sarcastically that how would she know, she wasn't a doctor, but instead took a deep breath and reassured Seth.

"They're going to be okay," she told Seth. "Are you and Ryan going down to the hospital?"

"Yes."

"I'll meet you there okay?"

"Okay," Seth paused. "Thank you."

"No problem," Summer said. "Oh and Cohen?"

"Yes?"

"Let Ryan drive."

* * *

Seth and Ryan hurried into the maternity ward waiting room and asked the nurse where their parents were. She informed them that they were getting ready to take Kirsten to the OR, and they could have a seat and wait for their father to come out and give them any news.

"This sucks," Seth muttered as he and Ryan took a seat. "I want to know what's going on."

"I'm sure that Sandy will come out and let us know what is happening when he can," Ryan replied. Just as the words had come out of his mouth, Sandy appeared in the waiting room. He spotted his sons and hurried over to them.

"Hey guys, I just wanted to see if you were here before they took her up." Sandy looked as if he had aged ten years in the past hour or so.

"How's Mom?" Seth asked.

"Hanging in there," Sandy said and he leaned forward to pull Seth in for a hug, and he prayed that Seth wouldn't pull away, and he was extremely grateful when he didn't. After he let go of Seth, he gave Ryan a hug, and then he pulled away and looked at both of his boys. "I'm just so grateful that she wants me here with her…I just…I'm sorry."

"I know, and it's okay. Well, it's not okay, you shouldn't have done what you did, but you know, it's not…I mean it's time to…let go, I think," it was the few times that Seth had replied to one of Sandy's numerous apologies. Most of the time Seth just completely ignored him. Pretended as if Sandy hadn't even spoken at all. Sandy felt tears rush to his eyes and had to close his eyes to stop them from falling.

"Thank you," he said softly. "I better go, time is of the essence."

"They're going to be okay, right Dad?" Seth was looking at Sandy in a way that he hadn't looked at his father in months. Like everything would be okay, because Sandy said so. Like he could fix the world. And Sandy wanted to assure Seth that was true, but he didn't have that answer.

"They have to be okay," was Sandy's reply, and he turned and hurried back to his wife.

"Cohen women are strong," Seth said softly as soon as Sandy left. "Much stronger than the Cohen men, although we don't like to admit it. They'll be okay. They have to be okay."

"Yeah," Ryan agreed. "They're strong. Everything's going to be just fine."

"We should call my grandfather. And my Aunt Hailey. I'm sure Dad hasn't yet, and they should know what's happening," Seth said after a moment of silence.

"Well, you can take care of that," Ryan told him clapping him on the back. He was not having the greatest night ever, and talking to Caleb would certainly just make it worse. He sat down in the uncomfortable chair. He sighed and leaned his head against the wall as Seth got up to go make the calls.

"Chino? What's happening? How's Kirsten?" Summer's voice made him open his eyes as she skidded to a halt a few feet in front of him. "Where's Cohen?"

"Seth went to go call his grandfather. They took her up to have the c-section. Sandy looks worried." That was an understatement. Sandy looked terrified.

"She's going to be okay," Summer told him. "They're both going to be okay." Ryan nodded, but didn't say anything. Everyone kept saying that, but no one really knew. Something could happen. They could lose them both. Ryan shivered at the thought of losing Kirsten and tried desperately to silently convince himself that could never happen. They needed her.

Seth reappeared in the waiting room and smiled weakly at his girlfriend.

"Hey Sum," he said and she immediately stood up and wrapped her arms around him.

"Hey Cohen," she said softly. They broke apart and sat down next to Ryan.

"I called my grandfather and he's on his way, and Aunt Hailey was going to try to get on the next flight out of Japan, but of course it's like a billion hour flight, so she won't be here for awhile. And the Nana is going to try to book a flight out too." He sighed and ran a hand through his unruly hair. Summer didn't say anything, she just reached over and placed her hand over his.

They sat there silently until they saw Caleb and Julie, with Marissa trailing slightly behind, burst through the doors and over to where they were sitting.

"Any news?" Caleb asked. Seth shook his head.

"Not since I talked to you," he said. Caleb slumped down in a chair, and Seth was stuck by how old his grandfather was. Marissa took the seat next to Ryan, and Julie took to pacing back and forth across the waiting room. Ryan shifted in his seat as Marissa took his hand and gave it a squeeze.

"I'm going to go get coffee, does anyone need anything?" Julie asked after a few minutes. "I need to do something, I need to feel useful somehow."

"I'd like a coffee," Caleb said. "I'll come with you." The adults left, and just the four kids, huddled together on the uncomfortable chairs remained. They all shifted trying to get as comfortable as they could.

They were in for a long night.

* * *

So yes, please review and tell me what you thought. You guys are awesome. Thank you for being so very awesome. 


	15. Fall apart

So I'm officially all graduation partied out. My sister and like three of my cousins all graduated this year, so we had all four of those parties. One every weekend for the past month. I'm sick of them. I'm sick of going. I'm sick of eating the graduation party food. I'm sick of having to talk to my family. I'm just sick of it. So I've decided to boycott any more that my mother tries to get me to go to. Damn the man. So anyway, sorry I'm a little bitter, I just got home from one. Here's the next chapter. Hope you enjoy and review please! Thanks!

Disclaimer: The characters are not mine; the only thing I own are the cookies that I stuffed in my purse on my way out of the party

* * *

_"In California  
Forever summer and hot  
Into the ocean  
You're smiling a lot  
On sandy beaches  
And the blankets are hot  
You're in my arms  
And I kiss your heart  
Jesus, don't touch my baby  
She's all that I got "- _Ryan Adams

* * *

Sandy held Kirsten's hand during the c-section, leaning down and whispering reassuring words in her ears. His eyes didn't leave her face for a second, and he thought that he would never forget the terrified look on her face. He had never before wished for time to go faster, but he wanted to speed things up, get to the point where everyone was healthy and safe. To a point where his daughter was okay, his wife was okay. And they would be okay. He had almost convinced himself of that.

"Just hold on, honey," Sandy said softly into Kirsten's ear. "It's all going to be okay. Everything is okay. You're going to be fine. Emily is going to be fine. Everything's going to be fine. I love you." He leaned down and placed a kiss on her forehead.

"I love you too," she said softly. Her face was pale, and she forced a weak smile. Sandy just stood there, rubbing a hand and waiting. It felt like a lifetime before they heard the sound of the baby screaming, and the doctor beaming at the couple.

"Congratulations," the doctor said smiling at Sandy as he held up the screaming baby. "You have a baby girl."

"She's beautiful," Sandy told Kirsten. "She's absolutely beautiful."

"Is she okay?" Kirsten asked.

"She's perfect," the doctor assured her. "A little on the small side, but other than that, perfectly healthy."

"Oh thank God," Kirsten breathed as the doctor placed Emily in Sandy's arms and Sandy took her over to show Kirsten. Kirsten ran a finger gently down the baby's face. "She's so tiny. She's so beautiful."

"Then she must take after her mother," Sandy replied. The nurse came over and Sandy reluctantly handed his daughter over to be cleaned up. He watched as the nurse carried Emily out of the room, and he couldn't believe that he was a father again. He had a little girl. When he looked back down at Kirsten, her eyes were closed and her face was tinted blue.

"Something's wrong," he cried out. "Kirsten? Kirsten? Something's wrong with my wife."

"Sir, you're going to have to move out of the way," the one nurse said pulling him away from Kirsten. The doctor and the nurses huddled around her, and Sandy was pushed back. A nurse took his arm to gently lead him out of the room.

"She's not breathing," was the last thing he heard before they pushed him out of the room.

"No, I have to be in there. I have to be with her! What's wrong with my wife?"

"I'm sorry sir, I don't know, why don't you go and check on your daughter?"

"No! No! I want to be with Kirsten," but the nurse ignored him as she disappeared back into the room. Sandy slipped to the floor and covered his head with his hands. He didn't know what he would do without her. He couldn't raise that little baby. He couldn't do it on his own. And what about the boys? God, they were just starting to forgive him. He couldn't deal with three kids alone. He just couldn't do it without her.

They were supposed to do this together. They were supposed to grow old together. She was supposed to see both her boys get married. She was supposed to be there to watch Emily grow up.

And how unfair to Emily. She wouldn't get to know her mother at all. She wouldn't know how wonderful she was. How amazing. She would hear all these stories and never actually get to meet her.

There was too much to do still. Kirsten still needed to hold Emily. She needed to be there to take the boys to college. She needed to watch Emily's first step and hear her first words. It was too unfair.

Sandy didn't know how long he sat there on the cold tile, his head in his hands. He finally stood up, and walked towards the waiting room. His sons jumped to their feet as he came in.

"How's Mom?" Seth asked.

"Is she okay? How's the baby?" Ryan asked at the same time.

"What happened?" Summer asked quietly noticing Sandy's red and swollen eyes. Seth's heart dropped to the pit of his stomach. No.

"The baby..." Caleb started.

"No, the baby is fine. Ten fingers, ten toes, she's perfect…"

"Kirsten," Julie breathed.

"She's…God, I don't…she's…they pushed me out…I…" He sunk down into the chair behind him.

"Where is she?" Caleb demanded. "Where is my daughter?"

"They were…she stopped breathing…I don't know what happened, they wouldn't tell me," Sandy was finding it hard to string together sentences. He was having trouble forming coherent thoughts.

"I'm going to find out," Caleb said stomping away. Sandy was barely aware of anything, but he was aware of Seth and Ryan's silence. He was aware that they both had taken seats next to him, and he did feel Seth's hand on his arm, and knew that Ryan's head was between his knees as if he was going to be sick. He felt himself put his own hand on Ryan's back to comfort the boy. He felt as if he was outside of his body watching all of this. Watching and waiting for Caleb to return with some news.

"Mr. Cohen?" The nurse's voice was startling and he looked up at her. "We've moved your daughter to the nursery. Did you and your wife have a name picked out for her?"

"Emily," he said softly. "Emily Catherine Cohen."

"Kirsten's strong," Ryan spoke up. "She's going to be fine." Sandy managed to nod and then took to sitting in the chair, staring at nothing. He ignored attempts to get him to go to the nursery to visit Emily. He sat stoically in his chair waiting for any news on his wife. It was only when Caleb returned that Sandy seemed to snap out of his trance, and climb wearily to his feet.

"Did they tell you anything?"

"They've stabilized her and taken her to the ICU," Caleb reported. "The placental abruption caused her to hemorrhage and lose a lot of blood. She had some respiratory problems, but they did a blood transfusion, and they put her on a ventilator for right now. They said that we can go see her one at a time."

"Did they think…is she going to be okay?" Sandy was trying hard to understand exactly what Caleb was telling him.

"They're not sure yet," Caleb answered honestly. "The doctor told me that she should pull through, but they're seeing how she does the next twenty-four hours."

"She has to be okay," Seth whispered. Summer wrapped an arm around his shoulder. They had gone to see the baby, marveling over how tiny and perfect she was. It wouldn't be fair, Summer thought, for Kirsten to never get to hold her daughter. She couldn't die. That just wasn't right. After all she had been through that year? After Sandy cheated on her? After she forgave him, and then the almost miscarriage. If there was a God up there, Summer was begging Him to finally leave Kirsten alone. She had been through enough. It was time for her to be okay. It was time for the Cohens to be pieced back together completely and seamlessly.

"I want to go see her," Sandy said. "Take me to her." Caleb just nodded, and tiredly led his son-in-law to see his wife. Sandy insisted on being allowed on going in first, and for once, Caleb didn't argue, he just moved out of the way and allowed Sandy to pass him.

"Oh God, baby," Sandy said picking up her hand. He brought it to his mouth and gave it a kiss. "You have to be okay? Do you hear me? You have to be okay. Emily…she's so beautiful Kirsten, you have to be there to watch her grow up. You have to wait up with me on sleepless nights when she's been out past her curfew. You have to be there." He leaned over and placed a kiss on her forehead.

There was nothing to do now but wait.

* * *

The doctors took Kirsten off the ventilator that evening, and Sandy took that as a good sign. He ignored the doctor's warnings that she wasn't out of the woods yet, and instead focused on the positive. For now, Kirsten was okay, Emily was okay, and that was enough for him. 

Around mid-afternoon, he had sent Ryan and Seth home to get some sleep, and promised to call if anything happened. When he went to check on Emily, he left Caleb sitting by Kirsten's side so that if she woke up, she wouldn't be alone. He spent a few hours holding his new daughter, watching as she clenched and unclenched her tiny fists and being angry at whoever would listen for not allowing his wife to be seeing this. For not being able to spend the first day of his daughter's life as a family, instead having to spend it worrying about his wife and whether or not she was going to be okay.

After leaving the nursery, Sandy had walked back down to Kirsten in ICU. Christmas was just around the corner and everywhere he looked he saw an attempt at making the hospital look festive.

God, Christmakkah. What would Christmakkah be like without Kirsten? He didn't want to think about having to get through the holiday season without her. It would be Emily's first Christmakkah, Seth had been excitedly talking about what they would do if the baby was born before Christmas, as Kirsten's original due date had been right around then. Seth had big plans, Sandy had big plans, and none of them included a funeral.

When Ryan and Seth arrived back that night, they too were excited to see that Kirsten was breathing on her own.

"That's a good sign right, Dad?" Seth said excitedly taking his mother's hand and grinning at his father.

"That's a good sign," Sandy said nodding, not wanting to repeat the doctor's warning. "Have you guys been up to see your sister yet since you got back here?"

"No not yet," Ryan shook his head. "We were going to go up there when we got kicked out of here." The ICU had very strict rules concerning visitors, and while Caleb had used as much authority as he could and allowed more than one person at a time in with Kirsten, there was only so much he could do, and so the boys were limited to about ten minutes at a time in Kirsten's room.

"When are they going to move her to a private room?" Seth asked.

"Soon," Sandy said nodding. "Maybe tomorrow."

"When is she going to wake up?" Ryan asked quietly as he took Kirsten's other hand.

"I hope soon," Sandy replied.

"She's so pale," Seth said softly studying his mother's face.

"She lost a lot of blood," Sandy reminded gently. The three sat there in silence, until a nurse came and told the boys that they would have to leave. They looked back longingly at their mother before leaving to go upstairs to see the baby.

"She's going to be okay, right?" Seth asked as they walked away from Kirsten's room.

"Of course she is," Ryan answered stopping at the question. Seth had asked it as if he was afraid of the answer. As if he already knew what the answer would be and it wasn't what he wanted to hear. Ryan didn't want to have to even think about any other possibility except the one where Kirsten woke up and was fine.

"I don't…I don't know what we'll do without her," Seth admitted looking at his brother.

"We're not going to find out," Ryan said. "She's fine." He walked away from Seth, and hit the up button on the elevator. "She's going to be fine." He was silent the rest of the way to the nursery and Seth regretted ever asking the question.

"Of course she will be," it was Seth's turn to assure. "Let's go see Emily." Ryan just nodded and followed behind Seth to the nursery where Caleb and Julie already were admiring the baby.

"She's beautiful," Caleb said softly as they approached. "She looks just like Kirsten did when she was born." He looked away from Emily and to his grandson's face for a moment. "Any update on your mother?"

"They took her off the ventilator," Seth replied. Caleb nodded, and turned to face Julie.

"Why don't we go down and wait in the waiting room?" She suggested. Caleb simply nodded again, and followed Julie away from the nursery window.

"We won't be all right," Ryan said. "If we lose her. We'll all be lost. All of us." Seth turned to look at him, but Ryan was staring straight ahead at the baby.

"We won't lose her," Seth said, as much for himself as for Ryan. "We won't. We can't."

* * *

Okay, sorry that's where I'm going to leave it. I'm a terrible person, I know, I know, I'm messing with Kirsten bunches. But please review and let me know what you think. Thanks! 


	16. Breathe easier

Sorry this took so long to get up. I was having troubles writing it, and then I went away, because it had been so long since I took a decent roadtrip and one of my friends had never seen Niagra Falls. If that's not a good reason to go to Canada, I don't know what is. So anyway, I'm back and hungover, and I hope that you enjoy. I'm just so excited to sleep in my own bed tonight, you have no idea. Friday night I actually think I slept in the bathtub of the hotel room. I say think because I don't actually recall ever getting into the tub, but that's where I woke up in the morning. I had a pillow and a blanket, and apparently my friends thought that it would make good blackmail, so we have plently of pictures documenting the event. Anyway, I'm rambling. Review please!

Disclaimer: Um, the characters are not mine.

* * *

Sandy was dozing next to Kirsten's bed. She had been moved to a private room, and the doctors assured him that she was going to be okay, it was just a matter of time before she woke up. 

"Her body is exhausted," the doctor explained. "She's going to be physically weak when she wakes up. She's going to have to take it easy for awhile." Sandy had nodded. She would take it easy. Even if he had to tie her to the bed, she would take it easy.

He had come very close to losing her. Twice now, he had come close to losing her. He would not take any chances anymore. She was everything. He could not lose her. It had taken first Rebecca, and now this, to realize that he wouldn't make it without her. He needed her like he needed air.

"Sandy?"

He heard her stir before he heard her very hoarsely whisper his name. His eyes shot open and he saw her eyes flutter open slowly. She blinked, and looked confused as to her surroundings.

"Kirsten?" He said softly. "Kirsten?"

"Sandy?" She repeated. Sandy took her hand and gave it a squeeze. "What…" Realization dawned on her face and her eyes opened wide. "The baby? Is the baby okay?"

"The baby's okay," he assured her. "She's perfect. Are you okay? How are you feeling?"

"I'm…exhausted," Kirsten admitted. She yawned as to prove her point.

"You scared us baby," Sandy said running a hand through her hair. "We all thought…never mind, you're okay now." He gave her a smile and leaned down to give her a kiss on the lips.

"God," Kirsten said putting a hand to her throat. "My throat is killing me."

"You stopped breathing. You were on a ventilator for awhile," Sandy explained. "I'll go get the doctor." He leaned down to give her one more kiss. "God…I love you so much."

"I love you too," she replied giving him a small smile.

"I should go call the boys. They're going to be upset that they weren't here. I just sent them home not too long ago to get some sleep." He gave Kirsten's hand a squeeze. "Get some rest baby. I'll be back." Sandy hurried out of the room to tell the doctors that she woke up, and to get her something to ease her pain. Once that was done, and the doctors were in with Kirsten, Sandy hurried outside to use his cell phone.

Seth answered on the second ring.

"Hello?" He sounded tired, as if Sandy had just woken him up. Which probably, due to their crazy sleeping patterns the past couple of days, he had. "Dad? Is something wrong? Is Mom okay? The baby?"

"Nothing bad, son," Sandy assured Seth immediately. "Wake Ryan up, and come on back down."

"Why what's up?" Seth was already jumping out of bed and searching for a pair of clean jeans.

"Your mother woke up," Sandy said grinning.

"She did! That's great! We'll be right down. Tell her to stay awake until we get there." Seth hung up and ran to find Ryan to tell him the good news. He burst into the pool house where Ryan had fallen asleep on top of his covers fully clothed. It was only six in the evening, but the boys had spent a good part of the night before in the waiting room waiting for their mother to wake up. And of course, had spent the entire day before in the hospital. They were exhausted as well.

It figured, Seth thought, that as soon as they went home she chose that moment to wake up.

"Ryan?" Ryan bolted upright and rubbed his eyes.

"Huh?"

"Mom's awake. Dad just called. Come on, let's go see her," Seth was grinning and bouncing excitedly from foot to foot. He didn't have to ask twice. Ryan hopped out of bed and they headed towards the car.

"What did Sandy say? How long has she been awake? Is she okay?" Ryan was full of questions, and all Seth could do was shrug.

"I don't know buddy. We'll find out when we get there I'm assuming."

"I'm driving," Ryan said grabbing the keys before Seth could argue.

When Sandy went back into Kirsten's room, her eyes were closed again, but they opened at the sound of the door being closed.

"Sorry," he said apologetically.

"No, it's okay," Kirsten said. "I take it I've been asleep for awhile. I can stay awake a little bit longer."

"But you should get your rest."

"I'm okay Sandy. Really." Sandy didn't look entirely convinced, but he just nodded and pulled the chair up next to her bed.

"The boys are on their way. Seth requested that you stay awake until he arrives." Kirsten gave a small laugh at that. They sat quietly talking for a little while until the door burst open and Seth and Ryan came in breathless.

"We ran from the parking lot," Seth explained. He was having a lot more trouble catching his breath than Ryan, who had already crossed over to Kirsten's bed and was leaning down to give her a hug. "We wanted to make sure you'd still be awake when we got here."

"How are you feeling?"

"I'm doing okay," Kirsten replied. "Kind of sore."

"Mom," Seth said finally and wrapped his arms around her tightly. "Don't ever do that to us again." Kirsten ran a hand through his unruly hair.

"I won't. I promise."

"No more kids," Seth said. "Emily is it. We can't go through this again."

"Okay," Kirsten said as Seth pulled away. "No more kids. I think three is just right, don't you Sandy?" She took Ryan's hand and gave it a squeeze.

"Three is the magic number," Sandy agreed. Kirsten yawned again and her eyes started to droop. "You should get some rest baby." Kirsten nodded and closed her eyes, smiling once more at her boys before succumbing to sleep.

* * *

A few hours when Kirsten woke up, there was a gentle knock on the door and a nurse walked in cradling Emily in her arms. 

"Oh God," Kirsten breathed as Sandy helped her sit upright. The nurse handed Emily to Sandy who gently placed her in her mother's arms. Tears began to snake down Kirsten's face as she ran a finger down Emily's soft cheek. "She's so beautiful." Emily opened her eyes and reached up a hand which grasped at Kirsten's finger.

"She is," Sandy agreed. "I think she looks like you already."

"You think?" Kirsten asked studying Emily.

"I do. She has your cute little button nose, see?" Sandy said. Kirsten nodded, and with her free hand, wiped away the tears.

"Mrs. Cohen? Would you like to try to nurse her?" Kirsten looked up at the nurse, forgetting momentarily that she was in the room.

"Yes," Kirsten said nodding as the nurse came over to help her. Kirsten had been afraid that she wouldn't be able to breastfeed, but the doctor had told her that she should still be able to. Emily had been bottle-fed for the first few days of her life, and Kirsten was still terrified that she would prefer that to breastfeeding, but her fears were put to rest almost immediately.

"She's a hungry little girl," Sandy joked. "Look at her go to town." Kirsten giggled slightly as she ran a hand over the baby's head. They were silent for a little while, each just watching the baby. When Kirsten looked up she was surprised to see tears streaming down Sandy's face.

"What's the matter honey?" She asked softly.

"I just…God, I didn't think I would get to see this. I thought I had lost you. I thought we had all lost you." He sat down in the chair and took her free hand and held it. "I'm so sorry. For everything I've done. You know that right? And we're going to be okay? You and me, and the boys, and Emily? We're all going to be okay?" He was practically pleading with her to give him some sort of assurance that they would be fine. He knew, as well as she did, that she had still had some doubts as to whether or not she had made the right decision in forgiving him. He had his own doubts as to whether or not they were going to be okay, and he had nightmares every once in awhile of her kicking him out of the house, and taking his kids away.

But Kirsten looked down at their daughter, and then looked back at her husband, and she nodded, and pulled her hand away so that she could wipe away the tears.

"We're going to be okay," she said, quietly but forcefully. "We're going to be just fine."

* * *

"Why wasn't I called right away?" Caleb demanded when Sandy finally called him and his mother, who had arrived in California only a few minutes earlier, this being the earliest time she could get a flight out of Florida. Hailey was also due to arrive at any moment, her flight being long as it was, and Ryan and Seth had been sent to pick both up at the airport. 

"I'm sorry Cal, we just didn't have time," Sandy knew that it was a sad and sorry excuse, but he had wanted some time with his wife and sons alone before the entire circus came sweeping in, and he had sent Caleb and Julie home to sleep only a little while before Kirsten woke up. When Caleb had called and asked if Kirsten awake, Sandy had told him that she wasn't. It wasn't a complete lie, at the time Kirsten had been asleep.

"We're coming down there now," Caleb said.

"Okay." This was exactly why Sandy hadn't called right away. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair, hanging up the phone and heading back to her room. She was sleeping again; he guessed that she would be doing a lot of that. He took a seat in the chair next to her bed and waited for the cavalry to come in.

Caleb and Julie were first, they burst into Kirsten's room, waking her up and then began firing questions at her.

"How are you feeling?"

"Have you gotten to see the baby?"

"What did the doctor say? When can you go home?"

"Are you tired?"

"Do you need anything?"

"What about some water? Or jello? Hospitals always seem to have an abundance of jello." Sandy just watching with an amused expression as Kirsten began to sort through the many questions to come up with suitable answeres.

"I'm feeling okay, just tired, and yes, I've gotten to see the baby. The doctor said that I should be able to go home soon, and I don't need anything, especially jello but thank you for asking." Julie fussed around Kirsten, talking to her about the baby and how adorable she was.

"She looks like you already, which is a good thing," Julie then shot a guilty look at Sandy. "Oh! I didn't mean…"

"No, it is a good thing," Sandy agreed.

"Oh Kiki! We're going to have so much fun with Emily!" Julie continued to gush. "Oh, you know, with your looks, and your family, you know that she's going to be lead debutante…"

"Hey, she's only a few days old," Sandy said holding up his hand. "Can we not talk about cotillion for at least a few years?" Kirsten just grinned at all of this, thinking herself about how much fun it would be to have a girl.

"Kiks!" The door opened again and Hailey came flying in, wrapping her arms around her sister. "Oh my God, are you okay? I tried to get an earlier flight, but I couldn't!"

"I'm okay," Kirsten said. "Have you seen the baby yet?"

"No, I came down here first. Ryan's parking the car with the Nana."

"The Nana is on her way?" Caleb asked. "Juju, that's our cue to go get something to eat." Julie nodded, and gave Kirsten a hug. "Hailey, we'll catch up with you later. Kiki, feel better, we'll go see the baby, get something to eat and be back later."

"We'll call you when the Nana is gone," Kirsten offered. Caleb nodded, looking visibly relieved.

"Good." He left the room, Julie trailing behind, and a few seconds later, Sophie and the boys came in.

"Ma!" Sandy stood up from his perch next to Kirsten to give his mother a hug. "How was your flight?"

"Long. Kirsten," Sophie looked at her daughter-in-law lying in the hospital bed, and suddenly was hit with an idea of what her son had been through the past couple of days. Kirsten was pale, and her hand when she lifted it up to take Ryan's, who had moved next to her, was shaking with the effort. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm okay, just tired," Kirsten admitted. Sophie moved to her bed and wrapped her arms around the younger woman in a hug that surprised everyone in the room.

"I prayed for you," she told Kirsten. Off the looks that everyone was giving her, she replied, "What? She's the mother of my grandchildren. Sandy, you know I love you, but you don't the first thing about raising a little girl, and you couldn't have done without Kirsten." God, was that the truth, Sandy thought to himself.

"No, I couldn't have," he admitted.

"As surprising as it is, I was worried about you, and I'm glad that you are okay," Sophie said. She took Kirsten's hand and gave it a squeeze. "Now where is this beautiful granddaughter of mine that I keep hearing about?"

"I'll take you to the nursery Nana," Seth offered. Sophie nodded.

"You should get some sleep," Sophie told Kirsten in a voice that offered no room for arguments, before following Seth out of the room.

"You should get some sleep," Sandy said once they had left.

"We can leave?" Ryan offered.

"I'm not going anywhere," Hailey said. "Speak for yourself. I'll wait here with her while she sleeps, Sandy why don't you go catch up with your mother and Seth?" Sandy looked torn between going to see his daughter, and staying with his wife, but finally consented, gave Kirsten a kiss and hurried to catch up. Ryan and Hailey each took a seat on either side of Kirsten, who had succumbed to her exhaustion and fell back asleep.

* * *

Okay, so review please! Thank you! I promise the next chapter won't take as long to get up. I hope to have it up soon. But only if you review! Get to it. 


	17. Home

Thank you for your kind reviews. You guys rock my socks. Truly. I'm wrapping this one up. I think that there's going to be maybe one or two more chapters? An epilogue of sorts? Let me know what you think.

Disclaimer: Oh, right, I don't own the characters. Except Emily. I kind of own her.

* * *

Kirsten heard the baby's screams and sighed and rolled over to her husband. 

"It's your turn," she said exhaustedly. Sandy nodded, and immediately got out of bed without arguing in the slightest. Kirsten and the baby had been home for a little over a week, and Sandy had insisted that Kirsten stay in bed for most of that week. His mother was still there, and was helping out with the baby so that Kirsten could rest.

Ryan had recruited Summer and Marissa to help him finish the nursery, and even talked Seth into helping. They had made signs to welcome home Kirsten and Emily, and when Kirsten had walked in the door, Emily cradled in her arms, and Sandy's arm wrapped protectively around her waist, the girls had fussed over the tiny baby.

"Why don't we move this upstairs?" Sandy had said immediately. "So that Kirsten can lie down?" It was posed as a question, but everyone knew that it was an order. Kirsten was to go lay down and rest, and the kids were supposed to let her. Sandy had tucked her in and she had watched, still weak and exhausted, from her bed as the four kids each took a turn in holding the baby.

* * *

On the second day that Kirsten was home, Julie had burst into her bedroom, carrying too many bags to count. 

"What, did you buy out Baby Gap?" Kirsten asked, only slightly kidding as Julie pulled out her loot.

"Look how adorable this is!" Julie exclaimed holding up a pink sleeper. "I just couldn't resist picking up a few things."

"A few things?" Kirsten repeated incredulously.

"Okay, more than a few," Julie corrected. "But just look how darling this is!" Kirsten had to admit, Julie's taste was impeccable and the clothing and toys were all adorable.

"Thank you Julie," Kirsten said.

"Don't mention it," Julie said waving her hand to dismiss the comment. "Now, can I hold her?" Kirsten nodded.

"She's in the bassinet," she said pointing. Julie walked over to the bassinet and reached in and gently lifted up the baby.

"Oh Kirsten," Julie said taking a seat in the rocking chair that Sandy had bought while Kirsten was in the hospital. "Oh, she's so beautiful." Kirsten beamed proudly.

"Thank you," Kirsten replied.

"Oh, it makes me want another one," Julie said wistfully. When she noticed Kirsten's horror-stricken look, she quickly reassured her. "Your father certainly doesn't. But he is excited about having a granddaughter. It's all he can talk about." Kirsten raised an eyebrow at this, but didn't comment. "I was thinking, when you're up for it of course, we can go shopping? You still need a baby bag, and Prada has an absolutely must have diaper bag…that is, as long as you want to go shopping. I know that Hailey is in town, and…"

"Julie," Kirsten interrupted. "I would love to go shopping with you." It was Julie's turn to beam as she glanced down at the now sleeping baby in her arms.

After Julie had left, came Hailey, anxious to hold her niece as much as possible before she had to return to Japan.

"Oh Kiks," Hailey had breathed. "She looks just like you." After Hailey had been in Kirsten's room for about an hour, Sandy had come in and kicked her out, claiming that Kirsten needed to rest without any interruptions.

"Overprotective much?" Hailey had sneered as she reluctantly handed the baby back to Sandy. He had instructed Hailey to grab a few baby items that were scattered around, brought Emily over to Kirsten, who gave the baby a soft kiss on the head before settling down into her covers and watching as her sister and husband left.

* * *

On the third day, as Kirsten once again slept, Seth and Ryan had been left in charge of the baby while the Nana made dinner. 

"She's crying, Ryan, why is she crying?" Ryan shook his head, not knowing the first thing about babies. It took more than a year, but it suddenly hit him how different his life would have been if Teresa would have had the baby. He didn't know if he could have done this, watched this tiny person and been completely in charge of their well-being. If anything happened with Emily, he knew that he could run her into the kitchen for the Nana to fix, or in case of an emergency, run upstairs to Kirsten.

"She's a baby Seth, she cries," Ryan said exasperated as he picked up Emily. "Maybe she needs her diaper changed?"

"Dude, that's all you," Seth said backing away from his brother and baby sister.

"She's hungry," Sophie's voice interrupted them. "Take her upstairs to Kirsten so that she can feed her." Ryan, happy to have gotten out of changing her diaper, nodded and carried Emily up to Kirsten and Sandy's bedroom. He opened the door and the baby's crying woke Kirsten up immediately.

"Sorry to wake you," Ryan apologized. "The Nana said that she's hungry." Kirsten nodded, and sat up and reached out her arms for Ryan to hand her the baby. Ryan began to back out of the room to give Kirsten her privacy. "I'll leave you alone."

"No, please stay," Kirsten said softly. "Unless, you don't want to."

"No, I just…it's okay with you?"

"Please," Kirsten motioned to the chair and Ryan pulled it up to her bed and took a seat.

* * *

Hailey left on the fifth day, and Kirsten had finally insisted to Sandy that she was okay, and that she could co-exist with the rest of her family. 

"I feel like I've been in bed forever," Kirsten complained. She put on a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt and threw on a robe and went downstairs to say goodbye to her sister.

"Bye Hails," Kirsten said wrapping her arms around her. "Thank you for coming."

"Like I would be anywhere else," Hailey said placing a kiss on her sister's cheeks. "I'll be back soon."

* * *

On the sixth day, Sandy found Kirsten and his mother in the kitchen together laughing. He heard Seth come up behind him, and he stopped his son before he went in there. 

"Look at that," Sandy said pointing into the kitchen where Kirsten was learning how to cook from his mother. Sandy was holding the baby, swaying gently so that she wouldn't wake up.

"Is the world ending?" Seth asked softly looking out the window to check to see that the sky hadn't fallen. "Mom's cooking, and the Nana is teaching her?"

"Crazier things have happened," Sandy replied shaking his head. He walked into the kitchen with the baby, and Kirsten looked up and beamed at him.

"I'm learning to cook," she said proudly. "Maybe I'll be able to make Emily cookies."

"You never learned to cook for me," Seth pouted. Kirsten laughed, a crystal laugh that Sandy hadn't heard in awhile, and glided across the kitchen to kiss her son on the cheek.

"I tried, honey," she said with a shrug. "But I'm making them for you too. I can send them to you when you leave for college."

"How's she doing Ma?" Sandy asked coming to inspect the batter that Kirsten had been mixing. There were no egg shells floating in there, much to his surprise.

"She's good, much better than the last time that I tried to teach her, and even better than Rebecca when I tried to teach her oh so long ago," Sophie didn't even realize she had said something wrong until she noticed that everyone else in the kitchen had stiffened at the sound of Rebecca's name. One of Sophie's forms of torturing Kirsten throughout the years had been to bring up Sandy's ex-girlfriends and to compare her to them in an unfavorable light. It was meant to be an olive branch, Sophie bringing up Rebecca, whom she had adored, and instead of reminding Kirsten of all the things that Rebecca did right and Kirsten did wrong, Sophie had instead remarked on something that Kirsten was doing better than Rebecca.

Unfortunately, it struck a nerve that Sophie didn't even know existed in her son and his family. Emily whimpered in her father's now tense arms, and Kirsten wiped her hands on her apron and forced a smile in Sophie's direction.

"What now Sophie?" She asked.

It was later that night, when Sophie found Sandy sitting out on the patio staring at the ocean that she finally asked what had happened in the kitchen.

"What did I say wrong?" Sophie asked as she sat down next to him.

"What?" Sandy asked turning his attention to his mother.

"In the kitchen earlier, when Kirsten was making the cookies. Everyone got very tense, what did I say wrong?" Sandy sighed.

"Rebecca."

"She still causes that much tension after all these years?" Sophie asked surprised.

"No," Sandy shook his head. "She came back around Valentine's day."

"What did you do?" Sophie asked in a soft voice. When he didn't answer, she asked again more urgently. "Sanford David Cohen, what did you do?"

"I slept with her." He leaned forward placing his elbows on his knees and burying his head in his hands. Sophie covered her mouth with her hand and settled back against the chair.

"Kirsten found out, I'm assuming?"

"I told her."

"And she forgave you?" Sandy nodded.

"She was trying to decide what to do about the whole thing when she found out that she was pregnant," Sandy explained. "Yes, she forgave me."

"Did the boys…did the boys find out?" Sandy nodded sadly. "What did they…how did they…"

"Seth didn't talk to me for months. And still, now, they don't look at me like they used to. Neither does Kirsten for that matter."

"How could you Sandy?" His mother asked shaking her head. "How could you do that to Kirsten?"

"It was the biggest mistake of my life," Sandy replied. "It just happened so fast, and then…I regretted it as soon as it had happened. I never wanted to hurt Kirsten, I love her so much."

"But you did hurt her," Sophie said. "You did. Don't forget that. She might have forgiven you, but don't take her for granted again. Remember that you could have lost her. Remember how easy it would have been for her to not forgive you, take your kids away."

* * *

On the eighth day, Sophie had placed a hand on Kirsten's arm and smiled at her. 

"Thank you for forgiving him," she said softly. "I know how hard that must have been." She didn't say anything else, but instead walked out of the room, leaving Kirsten behind stunned. She had figured, unfairly she knew, that if Sophie found out about Sandy and Rebecca, she would have found some way to make it Kirsten's fault.

"What's wrong?" Ryan asked nervously when he found Kirsten still shell shocked standing in the living room. "Are you okay?"

"Yes," Kirsten said snapping out of her daze. "Yes, I'm okay. " She smiled at him, and placed an arm around his shoulder. "Is dinner ready?" Ryan nodded and the two made their way into the kitchen where Sophie had made dinner. She was getting ready to go back to Miami in a few days, and had started to make all kinds of meals to be frozen and unthawed.

"No offense dear," she said to Kirsten. "But your meals aren't quite ready for human consumption yet. You don't go from finger painting to masterpieces if you know what I mean." Kirsten had nodded and promised to continue to work on her culinary skills.

Sophie left two days later. Sandy had driven her to the airport, but not before she fussed over her granddaughter.

"Take lots of pictures and send them to me," she instructed.

"Of course," Kirsten said smiling.

"Ma, relinquish the baby over to Kirsten, or else you're going to miss your flight," Sandy said standing by the door. Ryan was going to ride with him, and he had already taken some bags out to the car.

"Fine, fine," Sophie said giving the baby one more kiss before handing her back to Kirsten. She gave Seth a hug goodbye, and then kissed Kirsten on the cheek before leaving with Sandy.

"So," Seth said wrapping an arm around his mother. "And then there were five."

Five, Kirsten thought. She had gotten so used to there being just three, and then it had taken awhile, but four had seemed right, and now there was five. And five was just perfect.

"Yes," Kirsten said smiling at her son. "And then there were five."

* * *

Okay, I'm thinking maybe one or two more chapters. Let me know what you think. 


	18. Goodbyes

Here's the next chapter. Enjoy and review please. It's getting fluffy, this one is, I can't help it. I just finished the 6th Harry Potter and I needed lighter fare (I read almost non-stop this entire weekend. Except for today when my best friend and I went to see _Charlie and the Chocolate Factory_. I realize that both of those things are supposedly for children, but I can't help if I'm a child at heart). So review please! Thanks!

Disclaimer: Oh, yes, they are mine. Oh wait, no they aren't.

* * *

Kirsten shifted the baby on her hip and watched as Sandy helped unpack Seth's boxes. Ryan and Seth were trying to hook up the computer and the television in the small dorm room, and Kirsten was holding onto her nineteen-month-old and wiping tears from her eyes. 

"Mom, please don't cry," Seth said noticing her tears when he looked up from his task. "I'm not that far away."

"I know," Kirsten said sniffling.

"And you still have Emily," Ryan pointed out. After getting Seth settled, they were going to stay the night in a hotel in Berkeley before flying to Boston to drop Ryan off at school. They had all been surprised when the boys had decided to go two different places for school. Seth had picked his parents' alma mater, while Ryan decided to have a fresh new start at Boston University.

"No one knows me there," he explained with a shrug. "I can be whoever. I'm not the kid from Chino, or Marissa's boyfriend, or Seth's best friend, I'm just…me."

"I understand completely," Kirsten said giving him a kiss on the forehead. "Why do you think I chose Berkeley? No one I knew was going there. I wasn't Kirsten Nichol the heiress, or Kirsten Nichol, Jimmy's girlfriend, or Caleb's daughter, or the Newport princess, I was just Kirsten. And it was fantastic. And I want that for you." That hadn't stopped her from sobbing uncontrollably as they packed up the pool house. Emily had been confused by her mother's tears, and chubby baby hands kept trying to wipe at Kirsten's cheeks. It would have been a sweet gesture if Emily hadn't been just eating peaches, and her hands weren't quite so sticky and slobbery. She had rubbed them all over Kirsten's face and into her hair.

"Yes, we'll have her for another seventeen years," Sandy said with a mock sigh of exasperation. "There goes our peaceful retirement." Kirsten gave him a glare, as he came over and kissed both his wife and daughter on the cheek.

"Ah-ha!" Seth cried out as they got the computer on and working. Kirsten handed Emily to Ryan as she started to put away Seth's clothes.

"I can do the rest," Seth finally said and Kirsten nodded tearfully. Ryan carried Emily as Sandy placed an arm around Kirsten and they walked out to the car. After dinner at a local restaurant, where Sandy entertained them with stories of his and Kirsten's college years, they walked Seth back to the dorm. His roommate was already in there, and after a round of introductions, they decided to head back to the hotel, leaving Seth there.

"We'll come by tomorrow to say goodbye," Sandy told Seth. At the word goodbye, Kirsten gave a little moan, and Sandy hurried her out to the car before she could start wailing.

They met Seth the next morning and took him out to breakfast. Kirsten held onto her son until Sandy told her gently that they had better go or else they would miss their plane. Kirsten nodded, and gave Seth a kiss on the cheek.

"I love you sweetheart," she said.

"I love you too Mom," Seth replied.

"If you need anything, we're only a phone call away," Sandy reminded his son.

"Get your computer up and running first," Seth instructed Ryan. "So that we can talk."

"Okay," Ryan said nodding. Seth held out his arms, and Ryan placed Emily in them.

"Bye Ems, don't forget about me, okay?" Giving his little sister one last kiss on the cheek, he handed her back to his mother, who was sniffling, and gave them a confident smile before watching them drive away.

* * *

When they found Ryan's dorm later that day, and were directed to the fourth floor, they found that his roommate, a boy named James, was already there and unpacked. 

"You must be Ryan," James said as Ryan and Sandy struggled with the suitcases through the doorway. "I'm James. I've been here since yesterday."

"Ryan," Ryan said taking the hand that James had extended. James looked expectantly at Kirsten, Sandy, and the baby, and Ryan finally turned to them and gave a slight smile. "These are my parents, Kirsten and Sandy, and this is my little sister, Emily."

"Nice to meet you," James said, and though Kirsten nodded, her mind was elsewhere. Parents. He called us his parents. Her eyes misted, and Ryan sighed, and said,

"Please don't start crying again."

"Don't worry about it dude," James said clapping him on the back. "My mother cried non-stop from the moment we got here until they left."

"Well, let's get you unpacked, huh kid?" Sandy said and he and Ryan set up his laptop, and started to unpack his clothes as Kirsten bounced a sleeping Emily and watched.

"Where are you from?" James asked.

"California," Ryan responded. "Newport."

"Wow, California. Long way from home," James commented. At this, Kirsten gave a little whimper, and James gave Ryan an apologetic look. "I'm from Connecticut. Do you need any help?" Ryan had a feeling that James was going to be a talker, just like Seth, and he resigned himself to the twenty questions game and allowed James to help him and Sandy start setting things up.

"We should buy you a television," Kirsten said suddenly looking around the room. "What else do you need? Make a list. We'll go buy it. James, you come too." Because they had to fly to Boston, instead of drive like they had for Seth, they had decided that most of Ryan's things they would have to buy in Boston. Abandoning the unpacking for the time being, the five went down to the rental car and climbed in.

"You'll need towels," Kirsten said rattling off a list of things they needed to buy him. "And a DVD player. What about a PlayStation? And some games? For unwinding I mean. And a stereo. Oh, and the mini fridge, a microwave, we should buy you some food for your room…" Ryan had learned in his years with the Cohens, to not argue with Kirsten when she got like this. He was going to get the PlayStation, whether he wanted it or not. He had always refused when Kirsten offered to buy him things, and at first she had agreed and did as Ryan wished, but after Emily was born, after all that they had gone through, Kirsten stopped letting Ryan convince himself that he wasn't entitled to the things that she offered. That included college, much to Ryan's dismay.

Ryan may have been used to it, or at least getting used to it, but James, who was from a blue collar neighborhood and family, was quite taken aback by the list of extravagant things that Kirsten was prepared to buy them. Ryan and James had talked on the phone when they had received their papers from school with their roommate information, and Ryan had assured James that he would bring the mini fridge and microwave. He had tried to talk Kirsten into letting him pay for that, but she waved her hand at the thought.

"Come on, you're buying my laptop, let me buy this," Ryan had argued. But Kirsten insisted, and she eventually won.

"Are you sure?" James had said when Ryan had offered to bring both. "I mean, I can bring one."

"No, it's okay," Ryan said. "I've got it." And now they were on their way and James was wide-eyed at the list that Kirsten was compiling. Emily started to fuss in her seat, and Ryan, knowing the drill, rummaged around in her diaper bag until he found the small bag of the baby cookies for her to eat. A pang of sadness hit him as he remembered when he and Seth were babysitting and decided to try all of Emily's food to see how it tasted. Seth had liked the fruit flavored cookies, and had eaten the whole box.

"Can you get me some more?" He had asked his parents, who just shook their heads and exasperatedly agreed to buy Seth more.

Kirsten went crazy in the store, buying anything and everything that Ryan could possibly need or want. They had hauled all of their goods back to the dorm and spent the rest of the night trying to unpack Ryan.

"Well, we should get to the hotel room," Sandy said finally. "Let you boys get to know each other."

"We'll be back tomorrow sweetie," Kirsten said as she held a fussy Emily, and gave Ryan a kiss on the cheek. "Have a good night." Sandy had ushered her out to the car and they had driven in relative silence back to the hotel.

"Thank God for Emily," Kirsten said as she changed her diaper once they were in their hotel room. "Otherwise I'd be a real mess." Sandy raised his eyebrow at this, Kirsten had sobbed the entire week before Seth and Ryan left, had cried most of the plane ride to Boston, and had spent most of the day in tears. He shuddered to think of what her being a real mess would be like. As he watched his wife put Emily in her pajamas, he suddenly was gripped with the thought that because of a stupid mistake, he could have been missing all of this. Dropping the boys off at school, playing with Emily, spending time with his wife. He could have not been able to be here, and he was filled with gratitude towards Kirsten. He owed her so much. Or God, what if she hadn't made it when she had Emily? What if he had been alone with his daughter after dropping his sons off at school? What if he had to do all of this alone?

Feeling the overwhelming need to touch his wife, he quickly crossed the room to where she was standing. He gave her a kiss and then leaned down and placed a raspberry on Emily's belly causing the baby to giggle. Emily was speaking words, but no whole sentences yet, and she squealed with delight when Sandy did it again.

"We should get to bed," Kirsten said picking up Emily and handing her to Sandy while she changed into her own pajamas and got ready for bed. They switched off once Kirsten was changed, and while Sandy was in the bathroom, Kirsten got herself settled down on the king sized bed, and placed Emily between her and where Sandy would sleep. They did this at home some nights too, Emily sleeping between her and Sandy, and while Kirsten knew that this was a bad habit, she loved watching her daughter sleep.

"Goodnight sweetheart," Sandy said as he climbed into bed, and leaned gently over Emily to give Kirsten a kiss goodnight. "Both sweethearts."

"I love you," Kirsten said softly once Sandy had turned out the lights. "I love you, and I'm so glad that you are here." Kirsten had been thinking along the same lines as Sandy had. She also had been envisioning a scenario where Sandy wasn't there with her to drop off the boys.

"Me too," Sandy said softly. "Me too."

* * *

They had bought Seth a car, leaving it with him in Berkeley, and had offered to buy Ryan one as well, but he had drawn the line there. 

"I'm living in a city," he had said. "I don't need a car."

"Yes you do," Kirsten said.

"No I don't," and for the first time in awhile, Ryan won the argument.

"Fine," Kirsten said huffily. "But that means that you two will have to share the car that Seth will be driving up at Berkeley during the summer." Seth had started to open his mouth to protest, but Ryan kicked him hard under the table.

"Fine," Ryan said. They had to take two cars when driving Seth up to school. Seth and Ryan had driven up in the boys' new car, and Sandy had driven up alone with all of Seth's belongings. Kirsten and the baby had flown up, because no one had wanted to be stuck in the car with Emily for that long.

On the way home from Boston, Kirsten and Emily took a direct flight home to Newport, leaving Sandy to fly to Berkeley alone to drive home their car. When he arrived home, hours after Kirsten and Emily, he found that the house was quieter than normal, and he found Kirsten in the kitchen, staring at the pool house crying.

"Are you okay?" He asked coming up behind her.

"No, I mean…yes," Kirsten shook her head. "I don't know what I mean."

"Where's the baby?" Sandy asked.

"Sleeping," Kirsten said sighing. "I miss them already."

"I know you do," Sandy said giving her a kiss on the neck. "But it'll be Thanksgiving before you know it. And you're going to hear from them all the time. Besides, we're going to have our hands full with Emily anyway." Kirsten nodded at this, and turned around to kiss her husband on the mouth.

"I love you," she said. "And I don't…regret any of the…choices that I've made." She gave him one last kiss before pulling away and going to check on her daughter. Sandy found her standing over the crib, watching Emily's small chest move in and out with every breath. He wrapped his arms around her from behind and they just watched their daughter, their last remaining child at home, sleep.

* * *

Maybe one more chapter to wrap things up? Let me know. Hope you enjoyed. I've been reading for so long this weekend that I don't quite know what to do with myself now that I've finished the book...how sad is that? 


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